Primate

Ehh, just googling random stuff and found this interesting article http://poweranimals.com/articles/article6.html

Pain

My dick got stuck in my zipper. I didn't think that would ever happen and it got me by surprise. That shit really fuckin hurts. Everything is in lingo...kind of. I can't go home for christmas, the funds are too low due to my housing settlement. Its like buy a house... or ball out of control, go home, go to grandpa's funeral, buy presents for the fam, buy a 60 inch wide screen tv and chill christmas and new years. Yeah I'm sacrificing a lot. I feel like the bad guy cause I'm tryin to invest in this fuckin house but all my family sees is me NOT going to the funeral and me NOT showing up for christmas. In a lot of ways I think buyin this house is bigger than all those things. I paid my respects to my grandpa while he was alive. Everything almost worked out perfectly only my company didn't give me the bonus I intended because of my offer with a competing company. Thats business though, of course they wouldn't slide me 6k if the thought I might leave. Fuck it. Lesson learned, don't switch jobs until after the fiscal year.
Anyway, I think I'm like on week 10 or maybe 11 of no fucking...and uh..I'm hallucinating. Yeah, I'm not sure what the fuck is gonna happen. Its not so bad during the day, I keep a straight face and a clear mind most of the day but its wearin on me. I don't think its natural.
On a side note, I would totally bang this filipino (sp?) chick at my work. Now that I'm leavin I don't feel so bad about saying it.She's got a great personality. We'll see what happens I guess.

On another note, my ex sent me a letter. It was somewhat of an apology and an overall ending to our relationship, she couldn't handle being just friends so nearly all contact has been cut off. It ended on a better note than our initial split. For the most part I'm happy about the situation and how we 'redid' the ending. I know she'll find someone a lot quicker than I will but thats life, sometimes you gotta learn to swim with no lifeguard. As for me, I really need to figure out what I want. I think I've spent so much of my life doing what I was supposed to do I never really thought about stuff that I wanted to do. Before I met V I just fucked women just to fuck them, not that I was interested in them or that I would ever consider spending an extended amount of time with them..it was just there. I guess I moved past that stage and I'm looking for something else now. My outlook has become so clouded, so contorted I'm not sure I'm seeing straight. In fact, I feel like I've got everything on track except for that one area in my life. Hmmmm fuck it I'm done.

Sporatic

The whole buying a house process is going smoothly. Funds should be straight by the end of this month, no major problems were found in the inspection, we got 15k for closing from the sellers, pretty awesome.

On another note my vikings won last night, if I'm not mistaken I think that means they get to go to the playoffs. More importantly Adrian Peterson scored 2 TD bringing me to a 69 to 65 victory over JP in fantasy. I would have been really disappointed seeing as how I outscored nearly all of my opponents by 30-40 points 10 out 13 games. Bladow, donkey punch.

On another note, I wake up this morning and my room is sweltering. I climb out of bed open the door and it is absolutely freezing in the stairwell. Upon going upstairs I notice the damn sliding door is wide open, I'm looking at the thermostat which is reading 58 degrees. My roommate is an idiot. He left the sliding door open after taking out the trash and for the last two hours the heat has been pumping non stop. I don't know how you just leave without noticing the obnoxiously cold draft coming in from the sliding door.

On another note I had the craziest dreams. One, the patriots get a perfect record. Two, I go to Brazil and hang out with gorgeous women. Three, I get stuck on some crazy roller coaster for hours until I wake up in disbelief only to swat the air around me because I think there are gnats and bed bugs hovering around my head. As I go back to sleep I decide to sleep on the opposite side because I figure the bed bugs just like my pillows (I was half asleep). So by 7:30ish I'm completely naked (cause of the heat), sleeping on the other side of the bed with no pillows and probably sleep talking.

On another note...the heat bill is gonna be a bitch.

Crap

So I realize I've got to take a dump at work. Great right?! I head down the hall with reading material in hand. As I enter the bathroom I do the floor check. If someone's there I turn around and leave, I quit faking the "oh I just came in to wash my hands". Coast is clear. I get in my stall and quickly lock the door. Drop my reading material on the floor and proceed to mummify the toilet. I just don't want my buttcheeks touching a surface that other men's buttcheeks have touched cause all I picture is two grown men smashing their buttcheeks together and its makes me cringe. So after the mummification I start my ipod and yank my jeans down to do the deed. I can feel it coming like the weekend on Thursday at this point. I let out a sigh of relief as the precursing gas escapes. As I open by reading material the bathroom door swings open.
"Son of bitch", I think as I feel my cheeks clench. I just can't do it, I hate letting it rip when other people are around, know what I mean? But it isn't just anybody roaming around the bathroom...its a damn kid. I can hear him breathing. There is a pediatric office on the opposite side of our building so all these sick ass kids are always coming in. It sounded like this one was congested...or ungodly obese. For a moment its quiet and I think "Maybe he left--".
I hear another rustle, this time closer to my door. I look up through the crack to see if I can locate the bastard only to realize the damn kid is peaking into the crack in the door. He's just staring at me with my freakin pants down, breathing heavily with his snotty little nose.
So now we're looking at each other and it looks like he isn't moving.
I calmly respond, "Go wash your hands and go find your mother kid."
The kid pulls away from the crack and just leaves the bathroom. By the time everything was said and done I no longer felt like I needed to take a shit. Thanks kid.

changing lanes

Why the fuck don't people look before switching lanes? Honestly? Honestly? no seriously? What the fuck? So this idiot almost hits me because she's drifting into my lane and yeah per Dane Cook I think "Check out this mother fucker". Honk. Honk. The finger, the chin flick and the hand over the arm, roll down my window, "Watch out you stupid prick." Ahhhh now I feel better. I switch my brights on. Now everyone knows I'm coming...I'm that guy. Slowly one by one people get out of my way. (GASP) you mean I can part the red sea of traffic by merely turning my brights on, what a revolutionary idea. So thats what I'm doing until I get pulled over and hit with a 400 dollar ticket.

There are only so many tomorrows

So my mom called me on Saturday morning to give me the bad news. My grandpa passed away the day before. I knew it was coming, he had to go to the hospital because of pneumonia. The doc's tell him he's getting better (probably to get him home and let him live his remaining days at home, cause who wants to die in a hospital). I was skeptical about him being okay, I think a lot of people catch pneumonia and die shortly after.

Anyway, I know my mom is taking it pretty hard, I think she's the only one (out of her siblings) that showed she cared about my grandpa. She'll take it the hardest so I figured I could call her everyday for awhile.


I've never had a big attachment to my grandparents on either side. I never knew my father's father, I think he died when I was about 7. Don't know too much about my father's mother either, she's still alive but she's in ocean away and we've never had the money to go see her. My other grandmother was around sporadically but it always bothered my father when she was around. One particular incident seems to have always made things uncomfortable was when my grandmother beat us with a wooden spoon and my Dad wasn't having that. Although I don't know how much of a difference (in terms of pain) getting hit by my dads hand or being beat with wooden spoon really was. All I remember was thinking "we could probably just talk about this, instead of just beating the kids and apologizing afterwards" but I guess when you work a 9-5 the last thing you want to do is explain yourself to your kid when you get home. But hey, with the exception of my extremely low tolerance for shit and or stupidity, I guess I turned out pretty well.

Anyway, Sophomore year I saved 600 bucks to a hop a flight to Arizona to spend 2 weeks with the old man. I figured he wasn't going to be around much longer so I wanted to actually meet him. I'm glad I did. He had a lot of war stories, a lot of romance stories, a lot of life lessons. I pretty much scrunched what should have been 18 years of childhood bedtime stories into 2 weeks. So what else did I take a way? Well he's been married/divorced 4(?) times, currently lived with his white girlfriend (whom he met in a class). He served in WWII, still had a bad knee because of it, earned a purple heart, the mob tried to recruit him a few times because of his way with people, could occasionally bowl a 300 and an ex gambler. We also shared some intimate things about his childhood, perhaps something that he never told any of his children. I think he was open to talking with me about them simply because he knew that would be the last time we ever saw each other.

I learned a lot from him, I tried to take everything in and look at my grandpa objectively. I think he's a good person and perhaps if he has put in the effort he would have been a great grandfather. At the same time I know there are reasons why none of his sons were willing to talk to him anymore, why he went through 4 divorces etc. But I also knew he lived a full life, he definitely lived the way he wanted and made the best of everything he got. So I guess thats it. He's dead now, I don't feel that bad about it though. I feel like I should feel something, but I went out to see him of my own free will and walked a way with a slightly better understanding of myself and my mother's generation. Well I guess that about sums it up, R.I.P. grandpa.

Multiple Forks In My Road

Man I've got a lot of decisions to make. I'm looking into buying a place with my current roommate, we'll just split it down the middle, renting is for the birds. So do I take a major hit and buy or do I sit easy and rent?

I got a job offer at a great firm. The place I'm working at is cool too, but its just another should I stay or should I go, is the grass greener on the other side?

I had a 3 year relationship that has just about dissipated completely. I've got a different focus in my life and I also feel like V (my ex) has got to make some decisions about what will make her happy on her own. Its more of a wait and see but eventually it'll become a Should I go or should I stay? I mean the decision has already been made but every now and then I think about all the different outcomes and possibilities. In all honesty our relationship ended worse than some marriages (except the splitting everything down the middle). So yeah... another fork...

So as far as decisions go I've got Where I'm going to live? What I'm going to do with my life (work)? Who I'm going to be with (or not be with)? ...do those questions get any bigger? Everything is in complete lingo right now.

"The path to hell is paved with good intentions."

I still can't make it rain

So my friend and I decided to hit the strip club. It was cool and all, drank a fifth of jeagger before hopping the metro. It was our second time at this specific club, I've been to a few others. I've got to say camelot is quality compared to a lot of the other places in d.c. It was fun and all, but I know the attraction will dull pretty quickly. For as much as I experiment with sex (or did experiment) I've got to say staring at a stripper can only get so exciting. Plus I always look at the guys in there, some of them look like they're still trying to lose their virginity. But anyway, like I said it'll get boring soon and I'll be looking for something else. But I already know that I don't need to delve further into that realm of sex. In fact I've been actively seeking out the reverse. Call me crazy but at age 23 I'm looking into giving abstinence a serious try (2 months already). There is just something about always having sex, always being on the prowl that clouds the mind. We'll see how long it lasts but I think it could last a pretty long time. By merely ignoring my urges and redirecting my energies into everyday tasks I already find myself more motivated, more acute more aware of my surroundings.

Anyway like I was saying, I'm already looking for the next thing. I don't want to make strip clubs a habit, I doubt it would get that far as I don't like dropping money on things i can't touch. Strippers are only real if you're rich enough to touch them without getting in trouble. So I still can't make it rain and until I can I'd rather spend my money elsewhere. Of course, every now and then I don't mind having a good time. Well moving right a long, my point is I've got to find more interesting things to do in d.c. or even in my local town. I have to find the next stage I guess. In my fresh/soph years of school it was stupid frat parties and then just any party and then college bars, then finally regular bars and clubs and then strip clubs...and well its all getting a little old. I'm getting a little old I guess. Besides, now that sex is out, I have very little motivation to go out to any of those places. Lets face it boys night out = "i need to find some pussy" girls night out = "Lets dance around our purses and have fun???" I don't know, but clearly the reason why I'm at the bar is never the same reason why she's at the bar...so fuck it. And yeah, there are those times where you just walk in and some girl knows she immediately wants to fuck you...but now that doesn't even matter to me. It all looks like smoke and mirrors to me. The women in the bars and the ones in the strip club don't seem all that different to me. So there has to be something more, something else. This isn't a desperate plea for an answer-- there are none, we each hold our own truths. But there should always be something that keeps you occupied, keeps you entertained, the world is too vast and too intricate for any of us to be unimpressed with what it has to offer. I've just got to find it...