Trapped in the Extreme North

Well I'm in Boston...and not happy about it. Nice seeing the fam but I'm over it now. My brother totaled the other car so now we've got 4 kids with no wheels (cause I flew up here). I suppose it doesn't matter...but I think I would rather have ordered a shit load of chinese, made an apple pie, downloaded a few movies and played call of duty at home...

I miss my ex. A lot. I know it'll be awhile before things get better but I keep finding myself in these remote locations with nothing to do but contemplate. Last week it was the snow storm, this week I'm in boston with a sorry ass internet connection, no transportation and no friends. Why did I agree to give up a full day of vacation for this punishment? I'm sure there are people out there who wish they had a family to go back to. I just hate being here, its so fuckin cold everywhere, and I hate the people in Boston. Lastly, this house is just falling apart. No one is taking care of anything and its just stupid. My parents need to downsize when they get the chance. Its a giant house with a bunch of junk inside, all the tvs are old, there is just stuff all over the house-- its driving me nuts. I threw out 1/2 a trash bag of old food and attempted to clean the refrigerator. I understand people get busy but there is just no excuse. Even I find time to clean up saturday morning (even if its just a room or two).

Anyway. I feel disheartened about my ex. I feel the need to fuck something again which is going to wreak havoc on my ability to reason stuff out. The sad thing is I don't even want to fuck someone else, I'd really be happy with just fucking V. I think our lives are just too intertwined, the coupling is too close. If we could literally keep it to like 2 dates a month and maybe sex once a week and avoid other contact we'd be okay the majority of the time. Of course, that doesn't sound like a great relationship. However, I feel like neither one of us needs or has time for a full fledged relationship but we would benefit from not wasting time and effort meeting new people that are likely not matches. I don't know...from a male perspective I'm really torn. I think V is pretty. I like having her by my side when I go to events. I like having her around about 1/2 the time. I like when she gives me input for shopping and clothes, I like cooking for her cause she likes all the stuff I make. I like watching her undress, I've always been an ass man but I've grown fond of her skinny cheeks (lol). I dunno...these things make me happy. But then I think about all the rough times, and how much I've been trying to make things work between us. She said she feels differently about me now, I don't know-- i don't think she knows if she felt differently. Things ARE different though. Thats life-- it changes on you. I hate the fact that she can't make it through a damn movie. Vacations/trips have never been fun with her. She is always high maintenance on trips, always emotionally frustrated during our trips, which turns into no sex, which puts me in a bad mood. Which ultimately ruins the trip. Can I be with someone I can't go on a simple vacation with? I hate that v doesn't understand what I'm always talking about...sometimes she's just not interested-- like stocks or computer stuff or politics, we don't even really see eye to eye (not even close) on religious matters. I feel like she's part of the brain washed millions of people out there. No real sense or understanding of organized religion, yet she takes it seriously but hasn't even attempted to read or understand the bible in its entirety. Her view on marriage use to be so typical, I think its changed. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. I'm not sure if that changes anything. V will become the gf I deserve but probably not the gf I need right now (ha yeah its a batman quote sucka). I wish she could cook...she just can't. It just sucks...some things are really bad with her I suppose, but some things are really good. I love how she folds my laundry. I love how she fucks me, I don't think I'll ever take that for granted. She would cum so hard on my dick, that was pleasurable-- a lot of women don't even know how to cum. I dunno if I can deal with a novice in the bedroom-- I really hate that shit. I'm annoyed. I'll be upset. I wish I could feel better.

Its crazy because now I feel like I'm in some competition with her next bf-- a guy I don't even know. She doesn't even know. Why do I feel compelled to compete with a complete stranger. Someone who is likely to be far different then me. Would I feel better or worse if she was happy with a prestigious lawyer or perhaps a school teacher. If its the lawyer I would be pissed because I would feel like it was just monetary (even though she doesn't really care about monetary gain). In my head, the lawyer could provide an ideal scenario for forging a working relationship via his money. V might notice how she doesn't fight with the lawyer the way she and I would fight, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that he's really shouldering the economic burden of the relationship. I don't think I could live like that though, I don't want that. Psychologically-- I think something happens to men who are the breadwinner for the majority of the relationship. I want a partnership. Breadwinners-- they breakdown, they get tired, they have affairs with their secretaries. Breadwinners believe they are the center of the household and through them all things are possible. The ego becomes too large to manage. So men with this mentality feel they can do whatever they want...they can justify any behaviour. They are more likely to cheat, more likely to want a divorce, more likely to break down. This scenario is not ideal for me. So should I be mad if V ends up with the lawyer type? Probably not. There is that case where she finds a financially sound guy and he is physically and emotionally sound-- but what are the odds? I know of only a few men in that category (myself excluded) and they've been married for some time. Why do I feel the need to be the best she ever had? This is a terrible desire and it will undoubtedly fail. Someone better will come along. If this is true then why don't you believe it yourself? Someone better will come along for you as well. I'm not sure why I'm so sure someone better will come along for V and not me. Part of it is that I'm very demanding...and V is not. Although I feel like she can be so much more selective then me. There seems to be guys hitting on her on every block in every bar. I barely make conversation. I need to change my habits. I'm gonna have to play this game again if I want to determine how my future unfolds.

I've never played the victim in anything I do, why would I start now. If I want the perfect girl I'm going to have to actively find her. If I spent the same amount of effort in finding a girl as I did school, or my job, or even going to the gym I'd probably be with Halle Berry-- ok that's taking it a bit far, but you know what I mean. Ambition is a strange thing.

Back to my case scenario...if it was a teacher would I feel better? I'd feel like there was just something internal about the teacher..something I didn't really have. Maybe a love for children. I would only be lying to myself. I'd feel better if she fell in love with some guy with a completely different personality. He shouldn't be type A, he shouldn't be driven by money, he shouldn't have a dislike for children. He can still be financially successful, but his core values, I hope, are much different then mine. Then I could say we're just incompatible and this was suppose to happen. I would be distraught if she found some D-bag just like me. In fact that would be the worse case...although I think it would be hard to find someone like me as I haven't really run into anyone quite like me with similar physical attributes and earning potential. Should how I feel about this breakup really be determined by her next bf? That sounds stupid.

Lastly, I feel like the next guy for V is the one she's settling down with. Women start off very selective but as they get older they broaden their scope. Even if the next guy isn't as good as me, he might be close enough that she'll decide to settle. The only scenario that this would bother me is if I too, paired with a woman who I didn't think was better then V. This is actually the worse case scenario from an objective perspective. Neither of us would have an optimal matching. This is very similar to the prisoner's dilemma. Staying together is probably the best thing we could do considering the number of unknowns in our future. However, If one of us does defect and finds someone better, then naturally that person made the better decision. If we both defect (as we've mutually decided to break up), but we don't find a better mate then we both lose out. From my POV, the best thing for me to do would have been to stick with V but play the field and only leave if I find a girl that I know is much better then V. Of course...this would amount to cheating so I guess that puts a wrench in the prisoner's dilemma comparison.

I'm tired..gonna go take a nap.

nothin

I'm writing this letter but I don't plan on sending it. I just want to get some of my thoughts out of my head. I'm upset. I am pretty angry with the world right now. I feel hopeless and angry because I feel like I can't change my situation. If I could change my situation what would I change it to? I'd like to think of my ideal girl. A girl with the same emotional perception about love, the same tenderness and humanity that you have but smarter. I wish she could 'get' me. I wish she wouldn't have all the twisted emotional baggage you do. I wish she would be happy to participate in all the crazy fucked up sexually deviant shit I'm in to. I wish she had lighter skin. I wish she was shorter then you. Why the physicality? We all get old anyway...you got like 20 years before time catches up with you. Do those things really matter? They matter to me, right now... but maybe not later. I think about the future alot...never now. I'm 26 and my life might be passing me by. But I can't say fuck the future, even though I have no plans for the future. I don't think I care. I'm not interested in marriage or kids, I would love wealth but its not a requirement. My life could be meaningless or it could be meaningful...why am I so ambivalent. How can I be so ambivalent about my entire life? I can care but I don't really care. So what if you don't settle down with a dime-- its your life live it how you want. You can live it how you want but every decision has a consequence. You are a prisoner of those consequences. Why don't you take more risk? I'm bored with risks though, I'm bored with assessing risk, I don't care for the rewards. Would you prefer death? I'm not sure-- possibly. There is risk in that, albeit unavoidable risk, but risk none the less. Why don't you do riskier things if the risk doesn't matter? Because I'm not okay with the consequences of some risks. Then you care about your life. You are not as ambivalent about life as you think. What about life do you feel is worth saving? Being financially safe would be a worthy achievement. Is that all? I can't think of anything else. But you don't consider yourself materialistic. Not at all...I don't want to buy a bunch of stuff...I want my freedom. Can I be free without money? Or is money the warden of my prison? Am I enslaving myself to the money by pursuing it? If this is my only real goal...its almost like a god, I would sacrifice everything else for it if I were guaranteed financial sanctity? You're worried you might find more to your life then just money? Perhaps. What else could there be? I'm not sure. You don't know what you want out of life, but you have a lot of options. You could pack up your shit and go somewhere...but that would be unlike you. Being you has only gotten you so far. You need to be someone else to get you further. Further? You still don't know where you're trying to go. Fuck trying to go somewhere-- you might not know who you are. Who you are is relative to the time and place of existence. So then you should go somewhere else to be some one else? Does that make sense? I feel the same everywhere I go. Is the world a variable and I'm the constant...or am I the variable and the world the constant? Does it matter so long as one is changing? Yes it matters, if I'm the variable I can be in control, if I'm the constant then things happen to me but I remain the same. I don't know if that makes sense...neither do I. You want control? Control is elusive, control can be perceived. Control is fictitious in nature, it may not be reality. You are not in control of your life. How am I not? You let things happen to you, you don't influence things. Your purpose is to influence things, not to control them. Influence. Watch things move. There may be no purpose. Name your fears. Heights, losing arms or legs, never realizing my potential, not fulfilling responsibility, never finding acceptance, never accepting the world. You can do something about most of those. Why don't you?

Religion

A response to an article trying to explain the existence of brain stimulation as it correlates to the existence of religion and the built in belief that God exists.

If there is a specifiable evolutionary basis for religious experience, then that in itself does actually provide some support for the claim of higher order beings or a spiritual aspect of the world. We have eyes to sense the visible, ears to sense the audible, and hands to sense the tangible - thus, a religious or spiritual faculty implies its own objects of sense.

The spiritual faculty is commonplace among all peoples and throughout all time periods, except for the realm of modern industrial secularism, where it has atrophied. Today's scientist is blind to this easy fact because he is himself an historical aberration: he is not a god among the savages, as he imagines, but a brain-damaged trauma victim unable to recall the past.

Dots not Feathers

I'm not sure what brought me back after not posting for so long but a lot has changed.  My last post talked about buying my first house.  Everything went well and for the most part I've got no complaints.  Reading the entries in my blog I can honestly say I'm a bit wiser even though it’s only been a year.  I'm back with my ex girlfriend which is something I never thought would happen.  A lot has changed both inside and out.

 

The job I took is a lot of work but I think in the long run it will be a good thing.  I've got a few dreams and aspirations to come up with the next big idea, but I'm realistic about it.  I'm giving myself a few years and if none of my ideas pan out I'll switch gears to see what I can do about solidifying my own technical consulting business.  

 

I started the year with my ex, we broke up, and I dated other people for awhile...well one in particular. She was-- in a lot of ways a breath of fresh air, she just had one huge 'flaw'.  The girl turned out to be a virgin and it was a real deal breaker eventually.  I really liked her personality, admired her aspirations etc.  But she had some serious fucked up hang-ups that I just wasn't really willing to accommodate.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for taking time to figure out if someone is 'worth it' but I had my guard up because something just isn't right about a 24 year old virgin.  I'm a firm believer that a woman's virginity is a great thing, but if a woman holds on to it too long it begins to define her.  There are societies that literally revolve around the bartering and selling/negotiation of female innocence.  I would compare it to a treasure chest if anything, initially it’s great but you try lugging around a trunk full of gold for 10 years and you start plotting ways of dumping the damn thing so you can get to where you want to be.  Where you want to be?  Well, she wanted the closeness, most people do.  But it’s pretty hard to feel that connected with someone without being intimate with them.  It became a game of cat and mouse, 'we can do this but we can't do that'.  It was like being 16 again, too much frustration, and too much confusion getting in the way.  At age 24 the process of becoming intimate with someone who feels deeply for you and vice-versa should be so natural neither party has to give it thought.  Sex shouldn't even be a question-- but it was a question that lingered every time we got close...and man did it get awkward.  Well those awkward feelings became resentment and then they became a mild dislike.  It sucked because I know I didn't dislike her, I disliked her virginity.  As bad as it sounds I almost wanted her to fuck ANYONE, get it over with so that we could be natural with each other.  Well I know she thought about it...I think she thought about it a lot and I'm probably the closest anyone has ever come to getting her to open up.  God help the man that actually does because the emotional attachment will be so great he'll be the last woman he ever sleeps with (so that might mean marriage or it might mean death).  Anyway, I abstained for almost 6 months and I just couldn't go on any longer.  Long story-- long, that was the most effort I ever put into a relationship and well...it made me appreciate my ex girlfriend a hell of a lot more.  

 

What did I take away from it all?  I think I understand women a lot more.  After putting that much effort into someone I felt bitter for the first time.  I was angry and disappointed and really hurt.  I have never experienced such a deep level of rejection from someone who I completely opened up to.  It also put all the women I dated after my ex but before the virgin into perspective.  I had gone from one end of the spectrum to the other in a lot of ways and while I had a connection with both women on a deep level, I don't think I could ever be satisfied.  I came to the conclusion that this realization was one of those differences between women and men.  Men...we always settle.  It’s just in our nature to find more, to want more, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.  We settle because one day we get up, look in the mirror and realize that we can't see our abs anymore, our hairline is receding, our dicks don't stand at attention like they use to and this reality is going to be as good as it gets.  You look at the woman you're currently with and if you know (not believe) that this woman actually loves you for being you then you take a fuckin knee and pop the fuckin question.  Women!  Women believe in the 'one' that will complete them.  While some women do settle, a lot of them find what they're looking for.  There may be few or perhaps no doubts that this is the guy they've been looking for and so they feel natural about getting married and being with one person for the remainder of their lives.  The fact that a woman CAN think this way almost confirms my suspicion that women generally don't settle.  The solace that a woman has concerning marriage can only be kept if she honestly believes there aren't better partners out there.  Ergo, 'There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door'  

 

So where am I going with this?  Before I conclude I'll summarize one of the shittiest nights in my life (just before the Virgin Mary and I broke up).  I got way too drunk and one of the girls at the house party the Virgin and I were at took a strong liking to me.  Long story short, I ended up in the bathroom with this girl and got caught.  Now I know in the back of my head I wasn't going to do ANYTHING with this chick, it was just the allure of being pursued coupled with her insatiable figure pitted against my 6 months of abstaining from sex.  At that point I was so drunk I couldn't see myself in the fucking mirror much less get my dick up.  Why did I go into the bathroom?  I don't know, I'll never know why I did what I did that night...I was so drunk I actually gave up alcohol after that debacle.  It was at that point that I realized there isn't even grass on the other side...the shit ain't real? It’s not fucking real!  Stop running after these dumb bitches.  I thought about it long and hard, say I had fucked her in the bathroom..what was I going to do with this girl afterwards?  'Hey kids...wanna know how me and your mother met?'  You know what I mean-- I was fucking absurd.  My life was absurd at that point, I was making some god awful choices and I realized I wanted to change.  I'm not sure why it took me so long to realize that the girl in the bathroom wasn't real.  To some extent the virgin wasn't even 'real'.  Granted we had a thing, but I was pursuing her for reasons I'm not sure I fully understood.  I had personal goals and motivations that I wanted to fulfill (or prove rather) with her but I guess without her physical AND emotional commitment it wasn't real.  Well I had both of those things with my ex, and I don't think I've ever had both at the same time with anyone else in my life.  Not only did I have it with my ex but I believe we have a great balance, we mutually understand that balance...the virgin and I never saw eye to eye when it came to that balance.  She wasn't real...but she was a damn good mirage.  

 

So now I feel good when my girlfriend asks me if I'd cheat again and I can honestly say no.  Wait a minute don't laugh and shrug this off.  I'm a realist; you and I both know that if Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie or the baddest bitch you've ever seen made herself completely available...as a man I'd have trouble with that.  I can't say in every instance in every case I wouldn't cheat.  But I use the same logic when asked if I would ever kill someone.  In general, I'm not a killer, but if I'm gettin choked out in a mud pit in the middle of world war III I'm killing you before you kill me.  So help me god if I'm layin on a sandy white beach on a tropical island thousands of miles away from anyone I know and Halle berry slaps me with her tittie I'm going to have to sleep with that woman.  And that’s part of the reason I KNOW I can't get married, until you can say you're strong enough to stand firm in an unlikely scenario such as the one mentioned above...you're not ready.  That being said,  I think I've learned enough now that in a normal setting I'd have no trouble walking away from women who want to fuck me.  Ergo 'Do not try to bend the spoon.  That's impossible instead...only try to realize the truth...there is no spoon.  Then you'll see it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.'

 

Before I complete this book I'd like to share one more realization.  We've all heard that statement 'a woman knows if she'll fuck you within five minutes of meeting you'.  I never thought about the reasoning behind such a statement until after the Virgin Mary.  It’s my belief that every time a woman meets a man there are a number of internal questions that a woman asks herself.  'Would this guy make a good husband?', 'Is this guy attractive or considered a decent catch?', 'Is he worth leaving my current mate?'.  If the answer to these questions isn't yes...she's not fucking you.  Where did I come up with this?  As soon as I realized there was no grass on the other side, I began to ask myself these questions when I started meeting women.  Pre-virgin period the question was 'Would I fuck this girl?'  'Does she have kids?' 'Are the odds that she'll fuck me high enough to pursue?'  I usually only needed two out of the three favorable responses and so I'd have no trouble talking it up with just about every girl I met.  I noticed after I started asking the former set of questions I was turning down women much like they turned down men.  To some people, you might be thinking 'DUH' but up until recently I never thought about how women eliminate men so easily.  I think it is that basic and it’s that simple. So refraining from cheating is...well just as simple.  Every time I've been approached since that night I've stuck by that rule and it’s served me well.  I'd have to say if any woman does pass the test then it’s likely I've found someone better than my current partner so fucking the new chick would be the optimal thing to do.  Well I'm tired of typing and I've got work to do but hopefully someone will get a kick out of my life lessons...