Crap

So I realize I've got to take a dump at work. Great right?! I head down the hall with reading material in hand. As I enter the bathroom I do the floor check. If someone's there I turn around and leave, I quit faking the "oh I just came in to wash my hands". Coast is clear. I get in my stall and quickly lock the door. Drop my reading material on the floor and proceed to mummify the toilet. I just don't want my buttcheeks touching a surface that other men's buttcheeks have touched cause all I picture is two grown men smashing their buttcheeks together and its makes me cringe. So after the mummification I start my ipod and yank my jeans down to do the deed. I can feel it coming like the weekend on Thursday at this point. I let out a sigh of relief as the precursing gas escapes. As I open by reading material the bathroom door swings open.
"Son of bitch", I think as I feel my cheeks clench. I just can't do it, I hate letting it rip when other people are around, know what I mean? But it isn't just anybody roaming around the bathroom...its a damn kid. I can hear him breathing. There is a pediatric office on the opposite side of our building so all these sick ass kids are always coming in. It sounded like this one was congested...or ungodly obese. For a moment its quiet and I think "Maybe he left--".
I hear another rustle, this time closer to my door. I look up through the crack to see if I can locate the bastard only to realize the damn kid is peaking into the crack in the door. He's just staring at me with my freakin pants down, breathing heavily with his snotty little nose.
So now we're looking at each other and it looks like he isn't moving.
I calmly respond, "Go wash your hands and go find your mother kid."
The kid pulls away from the crack and just leaves the bathroom. By the time everything was said and done I no longer felt like I needed to take a shit. Thanks kid.