Pain

My dick got stuck in my zipper. I didn't think that would ever happen and it got me by surprise. That shit really fuckin hurts. Everything is in lingo...kind of. I can't go home for christmas, the funds are too low due to my housing settlement. Its like buy a house... or ball out of control, go home, go to grandpa's funeral, buy presents for the fam, buy a 60 inch wide screen tv and chill christmas and new years. Yeah I'm sacrificing a lot. I feel like the bad guy cause I'm tryin to invest in this fuckin house but all my family sees is me NOT going to the funeral and me NOT showing up for christmas. In a lot of ways I think buyin this house is bigger than all those things. I paid my respects to my grandpa while he was alive. Everything almost worked out perfectly only my company didn't give me the bonus I intended because of my offer with a competing company. Thats business though, of course they wouldn't slide me 6k if the thought I might leave. Fuck it. Lesson learned, don't switch jobs until after the fiscal year.
Anyway, I think I'm like on week 10 or maybe 11 of no fucking...and uh..I'm hallucinating. Yeah, I'm not sure what the fuck is gonna happen. Its not so bad during the day, I keep a straight face and a clear mind most of the day but its wearin on me. I don't think its natural.
On a side note, I would totally bang this filipino (sp?) chick at my work. Now that I'm leavin I don't feel so bad about saying it.She's got a great personality. We'll see what happens I guess.

On another note, my ex sent me a letter. It was somewhat of an apology and an overall ending to our relationship, she couldn't handle being just friends so nearly all contact has been cut off. It ended on a better note than our initial split. For the most part I'm happy about the situation and how we 'redid' the ending. I know she'll find someone a lot quicker than I will but thats life, sometimes you gotta learn to swim with no lifeguard. As for me, I really need to figure out what I want. I think I've spent so much of my life doing what I was supposed to do I never really thought about stuff that I wanted to do. Before I met V I just fucked women just to fuck them, not that I was interested in them or that I would ever consider spending an extended amount of time with them..it was just there. I guess I moved past that stage and I'm looking for something else now. My outlook has become so clouded, so contorted I'm not sure I'm seeing straight. In fact, I feel like I've got everything on track except for that one area in my life. Hmmmm fuck it I'm done.