Past-Negative

Past-negative people tend to lean towards being fatalistic. Could there be a link in the collective past-negative perspective of the black (american) culture and the seemingly accepted dependency of religion (high fatalistic)?

I'll be adding more thoughts on this.

Gun

I could purchase a gun. I can set a date, in the future and tell myself that if I don't accomplish what I set out to do by such a date-- I'll shoot myself in the head and end it all.

How about that for a deadline?

Phase?

So I've just moved in with my gf. Things are OK. I felt like it was time, maybe not time for us but certainly time for me. I also became a landlord (renting out the old spot). So far things are smooth but I've heard a shit ton of horror stories. For now we're living in one of those luxury apartments. I think overall its pretty nice. The move is really about cutting down my commute and condensing my daily activities like working out and spending time with gf. Now that everything is all wrapped up into one place I'm hoping I'll have more time to both relax and continue to work on consulting on the side.

So, I'm waiting on my new couch, chair, rug and a brand spanking new 55 inch samsung to fill the space. The spot should look pretty pimp in a month or so. I bought shit ton of expensive gadgets that continue to impress me, like a knife set from chicago cutlery which makes me want to cut up every piece of food just because I can. Copper pots-n-pans, nifty dish set-- recalling that scene in old school with will farrel talking about his saturday afternoons spent at bed bath and beyond and home depot lol. Getting old..ugh.

On my way back from the lake in Rayestown PA, M and I stopped at the hagerstown outlets-- shocker. There were some really great items from CK and banana republic. I think I might be headed up there more often, it might be worth it in gas. The two slacks alone would normally be 100 a piece but I got them for $40. So anyway, I was quite pleased with that random stop.

Anywho-- I've been a little put off by M lately. I think it's just the transition and moving in together. I'm not sure why but I've been thinking about f*cking R1. Just something about her always being accessible and very submissive made it so easy for me. We don't talk anymore (actually agreed not to via her cousin-- man that was awkward). But I would probably thoroughly enjoy it if she were available.

Anyway, I'll add more in another post-- I looking at some initiatives for volunteer work and a bunch of other good things...

Just Thinking...

My dreams have been insanely detailed lately. I'm not sure why I'm dreaming so hard lately. They've been pretty much nightmares. Weird dreams of people dying, or C and my dad teaming up to break into the house to retrieve a bank document. Its almost too crazy to begin to explain (I was a vampire). Hmmm still had a weird dream about V as well. I remembered it very vividly this morning but it evades me now. It had something to do with her lying about something and then sleeping with someone else-- not really sure. I was upset when I woke up and decided I'd fuck the hell out of M.

I talked to my aunt yesterday. She says I should call family more often. I never feel like it. Oh, my aunt is like staying with my parents. She ran into some tough times and had to file for bankruptcy I guess (its a mess). So I guess she sees how much my family hurts when I don't call. I'm not sure if I care anymore-- she says I'm numbing myself (which might be true). If I am, it must be my survival mechanism kicking in because I'm pretty sure I'm about to embark in the fight of my life (starting my own business). More on the family stuff, I'm not sure what to say. I never realized how important family was to people until I started to witness it myself. People really call each other a lot and are concerned for each other. Somehow I grew up without any of this. I'm great at pretending (for awhile). I don't want any of them to die, but I am just increasingly detached from their situation. I cannot sympathize with anything wrong in their lives.

I actually just thought of something. I think one of the reasons I'm so angry with my father is because he spent so much time emphasizing how perfect we had to be and how hard we would have to work and how misunderstood we would be all our lives. Its had a terrible affect on me. I think what I cannot forgive is that he asked that of us as children, but as an adult I see so many things he did wrong. This gravely upsets me because I'm dealing with a very serious contradiction. You can set the bar for your children and help them achieve, but you don't brain wash them into thinking that's all there is to life. Now I must spend time undoing this nonsense and healing these emotional wounds. Still, it angers me that I even have to waste time doing something that I feel is easily avoidable. Parents in their infinite wisdom.

Every now and then I kind of miss vonia. I'm always going to love that girl. Its a shame it couldn't work in this reality. No matter how hard I work, or what I accomplish it will always fall short. I guess thats why I realize I can continue to strive for everything and I'll never really be happy. So I don't make it a goal, its just a phase. I could only be happy in a world where everything goes according to my plan and that hasn't, nor will it happen cause that's life. I refuse to accept anything else and would rather choose to be unhappy in an existence I did not choose then accept alternatives. I'm wise enough to realize that what is in store for me could be better than I planned out (I doubt it). But in the off chance this does occur-- well so be it.

Changes

Things are changing once again. C is movin to colorado on Monday, I'll be living in the Townhouse until mid August or so and will likely move to silver spring. I really feel like it's the end of an era. I've spent so much time with C we're practically brothers at this point. Its a bit sad to see him go. At the same time I guess its just time to transition. I think the next year or so will be a period of maturing.

C and I have definitely been in a bit of a time lapse since graduating college. We just haven't grown up as much as other people. For the most part we still kind of live college lives. I think we'd both agree its a little hard to maintain a serious relationship with both of us in the same house. We're definitely more prone to drinking and partying then any of our friends. But its time. Kinda like that bible quote 'When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things.' But it is sad. This relationship as it stands is the remnants of college life. Now its completely over. With Blake married, JP off finding himself, V completely out of my life and C moving to colorado-- there won't be any daily reminders of what life was 5 years ago (shit has it been that long).

I have a new focus and I can feel myself leaning forward as opposed to wanting to reach back and keep things as they were. As I stated before I'll be moving in august, I guess I'm gonna look for a nice modern apartment in the heart of silver spring. My car will be paid for, job is chill and by that time I should have some contracting work for my business. Looking forward to buying a bunch of bachelor type shit (i think i'm gonna spend the dough on some nice stuff finally-- thinking the whole get up should be about 5Gs). My life will just look radically different from what it is now. I can't even explain how much different my life is going to be, how different I'm going to be.

Sometimes I just sit and think, I realize how my life couldn't change unless some of the people closest to me were no long accessible. As much as all those people i listed earlier mean to me, they've grown to know me over the years and because of that they have their own expectation of me. It's human nature to conform to expectation (even if only on a basic level) and so I really feel like that has influenced me. I feel as though everyone has had the opportunity to mature and change except me. Blake went overseas to fight a war. Christian was in wisconsin for a year and will now be in colorado. But I have always been here, always defined by this space. Even while Blake/C was gone, V was still in my life and I adhered to her expectations. Nate's been in seattle for 5 YEARS. He's changed so much, he's been so high and so low over the years, sometimes I don't know what to expect when I meet him up in PA once a year. Shit, even my extended circle like Cherie-- she's havin a baby, sean is getting married in a month. I can't explain all these changes but I do know that its finally my time.

Sometimes I walk around and I picture myself watching myself as I walk. Its like I'm seeing myself for the first time all over again. I can't quite explain it. Its like I'm looking at myself with a fish bowl lens that's slowly panning out until I look perfectly proportioned again. Things are coming into focus and they make sense. The decisions I made so early in life make sense. Everything that has happened has made me who I am and sometimes I get the feeling that it's not a mistake and its not by happen stance. There is a will being carried out (whether its mine or God's in the guise of what I think to be my own will). For what seems like the very first time in my life I actually want to be the best me possible. As tacky as that sounds, I think I might be coming to terms with actually loving myself. Not loving who or what I have-- but actually just flat out loving myself and choosing my existence above all else.

In life there are no instant replays, there are no time outs, there is no undoing the past. There is no looking back-- besides none of this shit is reversible and only the unwise seek to undo what has been made with the iron clad hands of time.

Sunday blues

I'm suffering from sunday blues after a 3 day weekend. I've got massive feelings of frustration. I'm not sure what's wrong with me I just feel like absolute shit. I don't really want to do anything or go anywhere...I didn't really plan anything this weekend but I didn't really want to. I've got this mexico trip coming up and honestly I kind of don't even want to go but I already dropped 2 Gs on the thing.

I got a random call from T, not sure what that's all about. I'm guessing she's reminiscing about our new years celebration from last year and maybe she got a little weak. It was a lot of fun, everything was brand new, we got it on in the hotel bathroom, I ripped her stockings open and proceeded to ravage her in a primal way...its everything you could want to start off the new year. We had a midnight kiss, followed by childish making out in a restaurant booth and hopping in and out of taxis...yeah it was kind of like some movie shit where we both just let go and had fun. I even recall a fight in the hotel hallway topped off with someone crawling on their hands and knees trying to get away from some ass beating (every one was insanely drunk). Hmmmmm...so yeah if she can top that new years off with someone else I'd have to give her some sort of an award. Anyway, I hit her back but she didn't return my call so I'm guessing it was a moment of weakness.

I'm just really struggling with what to do with my life next. I know I'm just sitting wasting away and I feel the fungus of stagnation eating away at me. Its very aggravating. I can't seem to have fun doing anything and nothing seems interesting anymore. I think my depression may be getting worse but its hard to tell from day to day. If I could take snapshots of myself without living in myself I could more easily tell. I'm passing the time with movies and games and reading random articles and thesis on racism, rape, globalization, business, government contracting, economic theory and linear algebra. I have these sudden bursts of obsessive thoughts that force me to read for hours and then it subsides and I think about myself and I become angry. I think to myself that I should have patience and that I am going through a stage. I don't quite understand myself but I must keep faith that on some level I am working all this out and I will come to an overall consensus on what I want to do and where I should be headed. It won't come over night-- at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I'm really worried I'm always going to be unsatisfied with everything and it makes me not want to do anything. Isn't that strange? One would think if you're feeling unsatisfied then you would try as many different things as possible in hopes of changing your current state...however I am so unsatisfied that it is unsatisfying to THINK of attempting something else because it MIGHT NOT change my state which would lead me to a more unsatisfied state-- if there is such a thing. However, knowing that I can not become satisfied in my current state the only real alternative is to actually do something.

I spent time with two women these past 3 days and my mood didn't really change. I am definitely coming to the conclusion that my unhappiness has NOTHING to do with the women in my life. I'd like to blame them but this would be incorrect and lead me in a never ending circle. I get annoyed with them from time to time but they are not the source. I also don't think its my its my job either. I think I've been to work 8 out of the last 20 days and my happiness has actually decreased substantially. That being said, I think it is a rather safe assumption that I enjoy working and as much as I like to clock watch from time to time I would rather be at work than do nothing. I am desperately looking for meaning and a purpose outside of work but I have a very tough time finding it. Why? Nothing seems worth it. Why? I don't value anything. Why? Apathy. Can apathy be cured? Hold on let me google...ok I'm back-- well that yielded almost no results. Do some random acts of kindness. I HATE doing that, I HATE being nice to people. Its such a hard thing for me to do. Hmmmm, I think I figured out why I like to cook for women. I think its something that's different, most women don't think guys can cook. I'm complimented, I get to be creative. Yep, its like a puppy being rewarded for good behavior. This is sadly basic but its something I do ALOT and I don't even know it. I think I spent about 8 hours picking the ingredients (spared no expense) to cook a perfect dinner for her (Ashley). WHY? To see the look on her face, so she could enjoy herself. I think this has become more important than the relationship. I constantly seek praise from other people, especially women. Its acknowledgement. When I don't get it from people I stop talking to them. That's why I go through such painstaking efforts to do things other black men typically don't, because I like to be seen as different. I hate assimilation because with it comes expected behavior which means I would never get any gratifying praise. Hmmmmm...so I think the woman I'll fall for is one that continually gives me praise...hmmm my mother always gives me praise, maybe this is why I always call my mother. So does my aunt-- and I always call her. This is absurdly basic in nature but I guess I overlooked that-- I overlooked the possibility that I could be basic because most people are basic and I don't want to be like most people. What if I'm not complex? Oh nooooo....does that make me STUPID? What an irrational set of hypothesis and conclusions.

So here we are. I love to be praised. I'd like to make a distinction though-- I don't like to be worshiped. I hate when people worship (especially women) me. In fact, I think I only started wanting V back when she stopped letting me stick it in her ass and consequently grew a serious backbone. Of course by that time it was a bit to late. Women who worship me tend to get used in the worse way. Uhhhhh, hence my attachment to T. She would never let me walk all over her, she didn't worship me but she did praise me. I loved that praise, I ate it up. 'Look mommy look what I did' type shit.

I hate psycho analyzing myself but I'm the only one who can figure this stuff out...not because I'm so smart but just because I'm the only one with enough insight to take these disconnected pieces and make sense of it all. Its all too convoluted even for the more skilled shrinks. They are always interested in me though. Speaking of which, man I wanted to fuck the hell out of my counselor back in school. She was curly haired light skin chick, thick lips, very skinny, maybe about 5'10, b cup tits...but she had these eyes. I could tell a lot was going on. I always wanted to ask her about her persona life, and sometimes she would give me tidbits, I think to establish trust on my part-- which was fine, I played along to gain more insight. We played mind games a lot, sometimes I thought we were so close-- we would just fuck. At least those were my fantasies, I think I was in a lot of pain and I wanted to be safely nestled inside of her-- she could tell I literally want to pour myself into her. But I think about it now...she laid on the praise, god did she praise me. Perhaps she was sharper than I thought, maybe she did it on purpose. She fed me little bits of praise, our sessions always ran over, she never seemed to care, she bumped me ahead of 100 other people because I was the first black male she had the pleasure of counseling. Sometimes I wonder what she wrote about me. Even to this day I wonder where she's at, if she has her own practice. I'm sure I wouldn't want to find out. I would assume she's probably married some white doctor or lawyer and my perception of her was probably so far off the mark it would probably anger me to see her outside of the counseling setting. Why would it anger me? Because I feel hopeless to change the situation. Why would I want to change it? Its her life, she's like 12 years older than me, wtf are you thinking? I'm not...these are irrational thoughts. So I really shouldn't be mad...would I even care? Probably not...but I might be a little put off. Shouldn't you just be happy for her? Yeah I should, the perception of her was that she is a nice person and deserves to be happy.

Something profound happened when the engine of my car needed to be replaced 2 years in. I devoted all my energy to fighting Mazda. I used all my intellect to make a deal. I organized my time, I optimized my money, everything I did had a purpose, I had a single goal. Rise above it all. Why can't I always have that? Why can't I always have that since of urgency? That's how I felt when I was at school...I had such a since of purpose, even when the end result wasn't clear I just kept working. I'm scared that I've used up all that focus.

Or maybe I just need to risk everything... risk it all. Give it all up, not because I want more, but because it'll make me feel alive again.

brainstorming session...