Wednesday, December 22, 2010

cyclical

I just noticed most of my posts are between October and March. I'm not really sure what to attribute that too. I'm trying to recall the majority of my breakups-- I think the majority of them happened in November so that might have something to do with it.

I've spent a lot of time thinking over the last few days. Life is somewhat at a standstill in these winter months-- a thick permafrost that will not soon thaw. I really feel like I'm going to be here-- in this space for awhile.

Okay, so currently I'm in the middle of a deployment for work. I love it when a 15 minute job turns into an hour. I'm definitely ready to move off this project and on to the next one.

Hmmm other thoughts-- what do I have to look forward to?

Mexico Trip in less than 2 weeks.

Possible Ski trip.

yeah I guess there isn't a whole lot poppin' right now. The Mexico trip should be tight though. I'm planning to go to the Philippines after Mexico, I'm not sure what the time frame will be just yet but I'll put a few G's away and pay for it up front so I know I'll stay committed (insert whorish prostitution joke or wife joke here).

(15 minutes later) CRAAAAAP what is up with this deployment.

One of my coworkers has peaked my interest. He's a bit older than myself, on the dating scene. Apparently we're so similar we attract the same women and people continually get us confused. In fact, V may have slept with him years before I even met V-- so I guess that makes us eskimo brothers? I didn't confirm the details. In any case, he's been in the game much longer than my pitiful one year of the single lifestyle. Interestingly enough we've come to the same conclusions about the majority of women. Hell, one of my better female friends actually confirmed my logic. The majority of black women are pretty uncultured and to a larger extent dumb. I'm not necessarily talking about books smart, some are very well educated and very well read. However, some of the things that come out of their mouths baffle me. The contradictions kill me. For example, suggesting we go ice skating because its new and different even though you really don't like ice skating but think I might think more of you because you're not being typical. Another example-- saying you're trying new foods but refusing to eat anything that isn't American (especially at nicer restaurants). I'm texting M right now, just the standard questions...her definition of an alpha male 'A man who likes sports and watches them. He is protective of his property and lays claim loudly to what is his and belongs to him. He is competitive and unapologetic for his masculinity. He is a man and worthy of the term. Yet smart, gentle and kin towards his lady'. (sigh) pretty sure this is going down hill.

I wonder what black church beat this imagery of the 'perfect' man into her head. Hmm apparently she hasn't been with a man with these alpha male qualities-- my haunch is that this is a good fantasy, but in reality a man with this character would be a nightmare to deal with on a daily basis. She sounds like she's had very little relationship experience. This is likely not worth pursuing and I am unwilling to deal with suck closed mindedness at this age (more leeway for those women 32+).

Overall, I'm having a tough time understanding and accepting how rigid most black women are. I am beginning to suspect that the problem is their perception...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Not bad

I went running in the cold and now I feel like crap. I'm back from my 5 day stint of no work feeling-- not the least bit refreshed. After my failed attempt to make it to Ohio I opted to hang out with Ash. I had a good time. We ate at this spot, Agora-- not too bad, probably won't visit again as the chef def needs some help (from me). She's doing alright, finally settled in her new job. She got fired from her last and I think she was a little apprehensive about going out (even though I usually pay for things). I can tell she's been dating, of course her story is that she's been inactive but I'd assume 1 or 2 partners since we last met. She gets a big kick out of me and my dating stories (I really should share some of the crazy shit that happens to me). I can tell-- she misses me, in fact dinner was her idea. We walked back to the metro together and I couldn't tell if she wanted to come home with me or not. She kept saying ish like 'well I guess this is where we have to part ways' and I'd be like 'yeeeeeeeeeep, have a good night' then she said 'Oh we have 10 minutes until the next train...' and on and on...there seem to be about 4 excuses as to why I should hang around. I was headed towards shady grove, she was going towards glenmont...she even attempted 'accidentally' going down the wrong escalator to the wrong side (which would be my side). I kept correcting her. I'm not sure if that was her being ditzy or her wanting me to invite her over. I didn't really spend time thinking about it cause I didn't want to deal with the annoyance of getting her back to the metro in the morning...and I just wasn't feeling it.

I can't quite explain why I'm so nice to her. I think its just cause she reminds me of my ex and I just feel bad for the way I treated her. I know I must be sending confusing signals by being so nice to her but oddly enough, me being nice to her is still really more about me than it is her-- she just happens to benefit from it. From our discussion it sounds like her friends are very curious about me and I can understand why. They probably encounter few guys who wine and dine at decent spots for the F of it, or weekend trips to nearby cities just to be somewhere different...or movies or ski trips (that has yet to come). In fact I guess that's what spawned the 'exclusivity' conversation. I told her it doesn't make sense for women to approach men about being exclusive, it has to be the other way around. If a woman states that she wants to be exclusive most men will take this as a green light to explore other options WHILE dating her. Why? Because shortie is locked down already. If you're heart is in it you're not going anywhere, in fact its so tempting to abuse that power because women are more willing to put up with ish just to see if a guy is willing to go the extra step. Lastly, there is no real penalty with stating you're exclusive-- say she does find out...well its not like you were 'together' you were just exclusive. Its a real gray area when women ask to be exclusive. Flip the script though, if a guy asks it means he's a bit more serious and would like to make sure you're not running around..aka pretty much gf status. I think exclusivity is really just a short precursor to actually being together. Likely, there is something about your character that he isn't quite sure of but he probably likes 90% of you. Maybe you said something like 'I don't want a boyfriend right now' or whatever but you've been dating homeboy for a few months. Who knows...anyway-- Ash and I had that convo. I removed myself from the situation, made sure we were only talking about hypothetical situations and not 'us'. If I hear from her again within a week then it might be time to bail completely. The fact that she still feels the need to lie about other men she might be entertaining actually means she's more interested in me than she cares to admit. Either way I'm pretty ambivalent to the whole matter and I have a date with M on Thursday.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

perspective

Had dinner lastnight with one of my best friends and his wife. We're talking and his wife mentions to me that some girl (who we all mutually know through college) THINKS we have a THING. The girl is pretty unattractive, I think we may have had 4 conversations since I've known her and it's likely in the best case I was somewhat respectful towards her but I can guarantee I've never made any advances on this chick whatsoever. Anyway, what's startling to me is that she feels like we've never been together because of bad timing. She wholly and completely believes that we have some hidden love interest going on and it just never had the opportunity to happen. My jaw dropped. The level of fabrication in her head necessary to believe such a thing is border line 'a beautiful mind'. B (my friend) laughs stating 'I don't even think you were even nice to that girl'.

Then it struck me. In fact a wave of sorrow hit me at the table that might have been visible to my friend and his wife. I'm guilty of the same thing with Von. Granted the history is different, we were lovers we did have a thing but its so far gone, so long ago...and everything since then has just been sex. Regardless, the thoughts, my perception of what we were or could be was so far off the mark that it was laughable. Every time reality began to seep in, my fantasy world would come crashing down. It was never going to work between us because-- well because it couldn't. If it was suppose to work, with all my effort and time and money and heart...this would have worked by now. Even a day later, I'm realizing I have to let this go more than anything. I can't continue to hold on to this fairy tale, no matter how dark and depressing my reality might become. She is really the wall that I continue to crash into. She is why I can't get any further in any of my relationships. I cannot progress with her in my life. She's like Maul from inception (had to throw that in there). I'll be writing more, I think its helping.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

goodbye

Strange. That is how I would describe my life. I can't really make sense of it and I've stopped trying to. I should be in Ohio right now visiting an old friend. I couldn't make it to the airport because I got a flat tire. It's kind of my fault but it kind of...isn't. Up until yesterday I wasn't sure how to change a flat tire (it is remarkably easy though). I remember taking a look at the level contraption and thinking 'how the F is this suppose to work?' I think I already had it in my head that I was not going to ever change a flat tire so I never took the initiative to learn (which was dumb). Anyway, to circumvent the likelihood of needing to change a flat tire I went to the shop to get one of my tires replaced (I had 4 fresh ones put on in May, but one tire got damaged in june so i put an old one on). Anyway, long story short I went out of my way to make sure my car was in tip top shape for the trip to BWI (1 hr and some change). To my demise, 1/2 a mile away from my house I get a flat. My flight was at 10:30 (check in by 9:30) and it was currently 8:00. I tried arranging a pickup from the airport..no good, I tried getting a later flight (all three airports and different carriers)...no good. I was fucked. By 9:45 it became very apparent I wasn't going anywhere. I took Friday and Monday off of work so i had a 4 day weekend ahead of me with absolutely nothing to do. In fact I'm doing nothing right now. I can't believe that actually happened at that specific time. I became filled with rage-- this was rage I hadn't really had since I broke up with V. It was like someone hit a reset button. I'll explain the consequences of this later...

I did learn how to change my tire...which is good cause I won't fall victim to that again. I also ended up shelling out 200 for a brand new tire (yeah they're expensive sport tires yada yada yada). While waiting for the tire I went to hooters. Sat by myself in a corner, jacked in my laptop and listened to music while trying to get some work done, but i couldn't concentrate. I got a call from von-- rage ensued. Throughout the day I kept asking myself, why am I doing this? Why am i going to see this person who lives in the middle of nowhere? Why are we even still friends? Well these answers would become apparent very shortly. We talked for a bit, about how much the failed attempt at seeing each other sucked. I forget how it happened. But I just asked her if she could see us getting married-- the answer was no. So I think I shut down. It was some bullshit reason. I mean I understand, 'we don't get along'. To some degree that's true, we have dumb fights-- over IM, like seriously? I always felt things would be different if we were physically together. Half the time I just make outrageous statements to keep the convo interesting-- I'm not actually serious. But I guess she always took that as a sign we couldn't get along. I couldn't believe it and I wouldn't accept it (which are two major factors that result in an emotional state of anger). From my perspective, I had what all those other idiots were missing. She had this guy R who couldn't stop slutting it up left and right, I mean really couldn't stop cheating. He had his financial shit on lock (similar to myself) but fucked around with some chick and is having a kid by her. She was with this guy C for about two years, he played Call of Duty 12 hours a day and held a minimum wage job, had trouble helping her with rent (on a place she BOUGHT), had a kid by a meth addict of which he NEVER took care of (and I'm thinking this is the guy who you will potentially have kids with)? Oh yeah, and that idiot cries all the time. But I guess I would cry too if my life turned out that way. Anyway, she finally broke up with him. Then there was the white boy who pretty much hit it raw and skipped town 2 weeks later to live in d.c. (of which she fell head over heals for...literally). I love how our black women are so eager to suck a white cock or let a random stranger fuck'em raw and just be okay with it. There is nothing wrong with interracial dating, but I'm noticing an epidemic of demoralizing sexual behavior wherein black women make themselves easily sexually available to white men who really don't take them seriously. This shit just happens-- and the women are okay with it. I just think its hard to respect you when you whore yourself out like that. Oh...and of course you have a problem if I hit it a few times without trying to commit to your ass. My ex played the same role. I think its because black women realize the likelihood of settling down with a W is low so they automatically accept the role of fuck buddy, whereas when they see me they think 'well we COULD have a future together' so I won't allow him to treat me like a whore. Which is perfectly logical...only I know wtf is going on. Actually I have proof. I was sleeping with this chick Ashley (hacked her gmail account) to do a lil harmless reading. I read a number of conversations about how conflicted she was because she fucked some random guy while we were dating (and I was being the perfect gentlemen to her wining, dining the whole bit-- not cause she deserved it but I just wanted to see what it would take to put a woman in your pocket (about $400 btw)). Anyway, she had mentioned several times about how nice i was and how well I treated her (cool whatever). I get a hold of these AIM conversations, this chick gave it up to some random guy a few nights before I fucked her (she's single she can do what she wants right?). I didn't treat her any differently after I found out (in fact she still doesn't know that I know what she's up to all the time). Anyway, my point is, after awhile Ashley is like 'the sex is good but this isn't going anywhere and I want more'. At this point I'm thinking to myself 'Are you fucking kidding me-- you're pretty much my wednesday night whore at this point.' Don't get me wrong, its not like she was sleeping around with other guys and wasn't conflicted about it, but she still did what she did with other guys but wanted me to buy into her bullshit. She even said in her IM 'I don't know why I had a one niter when Stephen treats me so well'. Its cool, don't worry about it shortie, I spend most of my time getting even with women who think they're pulling a fast one.

Oh yeah and no worries, I got my ass tested (all clear) so don't fret people. On the flip side, have I been that one nite guy...well not too many times cause its dangerous and its not my style, but I've done it and I continue to be more of a 2-3 week guy (lets make sure they're not completely crazy before I stick it in). What I'm getting at is even if i WANTED to be serious about women they are generally full of shit. Side bar, skipping to T. I know she swears up and down she's been faithful, but I'm 100% sure she's fucked...or possibly just blown (she has an oral fixation, especially for very large penises 9+) a few guys while we were together. She had 5 guys in her phone telling her they loved her and she responded to two of them that she loved them back....yeah it gets better lol. I'm not mad, in fact when I found out I just thought, why can't we just put everything out on the table. You want to do a little swinging, we're mature adults, people like to wander-- lets work something out where we can at least be honest. Nah-- she's swearing up and down she's never done shit even though we stopped fucking for a good month. This is a woman who leaves her masturbation toys in between the living room couch and chair-- seriously lol? Whatever, I didn't catch anything from her and she was tested before we even got busy-- still sketchy.

So back to von. I trust her. I know she has made bad decisions concerning her BF selection but everyone is guilty of that. She's a good person and I think a good fit for me...but its not reciprocated and she negatively affects all my other female relationships because women get jealous. So when I asked her if she could see us getting married and the answer was no, that effectively ended our relationship. I can't have one foot in and the other out. I am pretty serious about finding someone and it would do them an injustice for me to hold on to this psuedo friendship/love affair. So, I went into some absurd depression for about 24 hours and I'm coming out of it now (this always happens, my reactions are unebelievable but I can't control the anxiety and depression that just washes over me, its like knowing you're going to be executed in a few hours or something and I can never shake it until its run its course).

Oh and in a drunken rage I cussed out T (because I'm actually quite angry at her). And told her I'd slept with a ton of people (obviously a lie) while we were together and told her that her new boyfriend was a loser (he's a captain in the army...at age 37-- my friend is a captain and he's 26...like seriously). He's not educated, he doesn't even have a permanent residence, isn't sure what he wants to do career wise I mean he might be a nice guy but come on. I think she is used to being the 'more qualified partner' in her 'relationships' and it was a real problem that I had accomplished more than she had at 26. She deserved the tongue lashing though. She's smart but so dumb and immature at the same time (she's 32 btw). She thinks she'll be young forever...honestly I think she is going to be a full blown lesbian who will-- on occasion suck cock. She has these fantasies about dominating asian girls...I never quite understood where it came from...but that's pretty much all she ever talked about during sex and while squirting all over the damn bed like a fire hydrant (yeah I'm the man -- ). Oh yeah not to mention she has interests in watching two guys buttfuck each other and is obsessed with the black gay brule (sp?) that runs the music industry. She is immediately consumed by any story that involves the latest rapper being touched or buttfucked or caught sucking the wang. So...yeah this is the girl the ridicules me because of the freaky shit I bring to the table but cannot look in the mirror. So yeah, I just railed into her, but I really feel like she deserved it. I've never met someone so mean, some of the ignorant, sexist, racist, homophobic shit that would come out of her mouth would shock even the most conservative christian. So I completely cut that off-- up until last weekend we were just hangin out (no sex) and things were cool. I was being nice, kind of taking her shit every now and then when she would just randomly fill up with rage but I thought we could work on that. Guess not.

So here I am, I cut off my friendship with a woman I semi love, of over 18 years. I completely cut it off with my two-faced ex gf. I lost a few hundred dollars attempting to go to Ohio, I bought an overpriced tire to get my car back in order and for the first time in a long time I contemplated talking to V. Yeah, if you read my other posts you would say 'your crazy man'. And I'll say 'Yes I am crazy' but its impossible to remain sane when you see and understand the people you're dealing with. Sometimes I still think I could fix it. I could make it right. V and I had an understanding, granted some untrustworthy things were done on both of our parts but if we wanted to sit down and really make it serious, I think we could-- if she's still willing. I don't know what I should do at the moment. I mean I don't think I should do anything rash.

Ashley wants to go out on a date next week (I knew she'd be back for either the the money or the D or maybe both -- after all she did say to all her girlfriends I havw the best head skills ever-- hey take pride wherever praise is given). Anyway, i'm talking to this chick M. We just talking, she could be a new thing (from Ohio too) but I don't even feel like sleeping with her at this point. I don't really feel like anything. And that is why I am laying on the floor looking at the ceiling-- It makes me feel weightless, suspended in a moment of time.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

hmmm

New Post coming soon...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Another change

I won't write a whole lot tonight. The spring is finally here, tired of old man winter. Does one live vicariously through oneself if the mind feels the body is a lifeless doll. Sometimes I feel like my reflection is equally real to my actual self. I am present, yet so far removed.

It always rains right after I wash my car...even in the winter.

I feel like I might be stuck in the past. I keep seeing the same people, am I doing the same things? I can't tell anymore. I'm looking for a new job. I need something new, I need to continue working on my idea. Something is killing me on the inside. It shows on the outside. Why do I feel immovable but so vulnerable at times? I can't make sense of these things, but a lot of it doesn't matter. Could I really live a life and regret it? Why don't I regret anything? I think I care about this life but sometimes I'm not sure. I need a shock, not necessarily a bad shock, I don't need anything terrible...just something different.

I'm more frustrated then anything. I'm laying in bed but I'm never asleep.

I have no passion, thats my problem. I am not passionate about work or the women I sleep with or the people I meet, the things I do or do not accomplish. I want to do certain things but at the same time I do not care if they get done. How can that be possible? I haven't lost faith but do not feel it necessary to prove anything. I am in a discontent state of contradiction. The pacifist within is waging war where he once quelled the urge of the other by song alone. The monster that feeds on his own flesh to satisfy an insatiable hunger. The flames that burn but do not consume.

Could I become someone else? Something else? Be somewhere else? Be with someone else?

I'm with T. She is my escape. I confide in her, I am almost in love with her. But perhaps something is off. Or maybe nothing is off and there are other factors. But I feel like nothing could ever be completely right. How could I be such a cliche hopeless romantic? I'm not failing at life but I feel like a failure. T makes me exhale. I feel so good around her that I think I'm gonna be sick when she leaves. Every time she leaves I feel like I'm dying-- but I don't feel like I'm in love, I just feel so hard cause its the only way I know how to be. I have, given a piece of my heart to every woman I've ever fucked...and I feel numb. I feel numb. I don't regret it, I can't regret it. It felt too good, felt too right all those times. But i feel how the abyss looks.

Planning a trip to europe, cause I said I would...