Sunday, December 19, 2010


Had dinner lastnight with one of my best friends and his wife. We're talking and his wife mentions to me that some girl (who we all mutually know through college) THINKS we have a THING. The girl is pretty unattractive, I think we may have had 4 conversations since I've known her and it's likely in the best case I was somewhat respectful towards her but I can guarantee I've never made any advances on this chick whatsoever. Anyway, what's startling to me is that she feels like we've never been together because of bad timing. She wholly and completely believes that we have some hidden love interest going on and it just never had the opportunity to happen. My jaw dropped. The level of fabrication in her head necessary to believe such a thing is border line 'a beautiful mind'. B (my friend) laughs stating 'I don't even think you were even nice to that girl'.

Then it struck me. In fact a wave of sorrow hit me at the table that might have been visible to my friend and his wife. I'm guilty of the same thing with Von. Granted the history is different, we were lovers we did have a thing but its so far gone, so long ago...and everything since then has just been sex. Regardless, the thoughts, my perception of what we were or could be was so far off the mark that it was laughable. Every time reality began to seep in, my fantasy world would come crashing down. It was never going to work between us because-- well because it couldn't. If it was suppose to work, with all my effort and time and money and heart...this would have worked by now. Even a day later, I'm realizing I have to let this go more than anything. I can't continue to hold on to this fairy tale, no matter how dark and depressing my reality might become. She is really the wall that I continue to crash into. She is why I can't get any further in any of my relationships. I cannot progress with her in my life. She's like Maul from inception (had to throw that in there). I'll be writing more, I think its helping.

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