Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Another change

I won't write a whole lot tonight. The spring is finally here, tired of old man winter. Does one live vicariously through oneself if the mind feels the body is a lifeless doll. Sometimes I feel like my reflection is equally real to my actual self. I am present, yet so far removed.

It always rains right after I wash my car...even in the winter.

I feel like I might be stuck in the past. I keep seeing the same people, am I doing the same things? I can't tell anymore. I'm looking for a new job. I need something new, I need to continue working on my idea. Something is killing me on the inside. It shows on the outside. Why do I feel immovable but so vulnerable at times? I can't make sense of these things, but a lot of it doesn't matter. Could I really live a life and regret it? Why don't I regret anything? I think I care about this life but sometimes I'm not sure. I need a shock, not necessarily a bad shock, I don't need anything terrible...just something different.

I'm more frustrated then anything. I'm laying in bed but I'm never asleep.

I have no passion, thats my problem. I am not passionate about work or the women I sleep with or the people I meet, the things I do or do not accomplish. I want to do certain things but at the same time I do not care if they get done. How can that be possible? I haven't lost faith but do not feel it necessary to prove anything. I am in a discontent state of contradiction. The pacifist within is waging war where he once quelled the urge of the other by song alone. The monster that feeds on his own flesh to satisfy an insatiable hunger. The flames that burn but do not consume.

Could I become someone else? Something else? Be somewhere else? Be with someone else?

I'm with T. She is my escape. I confide in her, I am almost in love with her. But perhaps something is off. Or maybe nothing is off and there are other factors. But I feel like nothing could ever be completely right. How could I be such a cliche hopeless romantic? I'm not failing at life but I feel like a failure. T makes me exhale. I feel so good around her that I think I'm gonna be sick when she leaves. Every time she leaves I feel like I'm dying-- but I don't feel like I'm in love, I just feel so hard cause its the only way I know how to be. I have, given a piece of my heart to every woman I've ever fucked...and I feel numb. I feel numb. I don't regret it, I can't regret it. It felt too good, felt too right all those times. But i feel how the abyss looks.

Planning a trip to europe, cause I said I would...

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