Saturday, December 18, 2010


Strange. That is how I would describe my life. I can't really make sense of it and I've stopped trying to. I should be in Ohio right now visiting an old friend. I couldn't make it to the airport because I got a flat tire. It's kind of my fault but it kind of...isn't. Up until yesterday I wasn't sure how to change a flat tire (it is remarkably easy though). I remember taking a look at the level contraption and thinking 'how the F is this suppose to work?' I think I already had it in my head that I was not going to ever change a flat tire so I never took the initiative to learn (which was dumb). Anyway, to circumvent the likelihood of needing to change a flat tire I went to the shop to get one of my tires replaced (I had 4 fresh ones put on in May, but one tire got damaged in june so i put an old one on). Anyway, long story short I went out of my way to make sure my car was in tip top shape for the trip to BWI (1 hr and some change). To my demise, 1/2 a mile away from my house I get a flat. My flight was at 10:30 (check in by 9:30) and it was currently 8:00. I tried arranging a pickup from the good, I tried getting a later flight (all three airports and different carriers) good. I was fucked. By 9:45 it became very apparent I wasn't going anywhere. I took Friday and Monday off of work so i had a 4 day weekend ahead of me with absolutely nothing to do. In fact I'm doing nothing right now. I can't believe that actually happened at that specific time. I became filled with rage-- this was rage I hadn't really had since I broke up with V. It was like someone hit a reset button. I'll explain the consequences of this later...

I did learn how to change my tire...which is good cause I won't fall victim to that again. I also ended up shelling out 200 for a brand new tire (yeah they're expensive sport tires yada yada yada). While waiting for the tire I went to hooters. Sat by myself in a corner, jacked in my laptop and listened to music while trying to get some work done, but i couldn't concentrate. I got a call from von-- rage ensued. Throughout the day I kept asking myself, why am I doing this? Why am i going to see this person who lives in the middle of nowhere? Why are we even still friends? Well these answers would become apparent very shortly. We talked for a bit, about how much the failed attempt at seeing each other sucked. I forget how it happened. But I just asked her if she could see us getting married-- the answer was no. So I think I shut down. It was some bullshit reason. I mean I understand, 'we don't get along'. To some degree that's true, we have dumb fights-- over IM, like seriously? I always felt things would be different if we were physically together. Half the time I just make outrageous statements to keep the convo interesting-- I'm not actually serious. But I guess she always took that as a sign we couldn't get along. I couldn't believe it and I wouldn't accept it (which are two major factors that result in an emotional state of anger). From my perspective, I had what all those other idiots were missing. She had this guy R who couldn't stop slutting it up left and right, I mean really couldn't stop cheating. He had his financial shit on lock (similar to myself) but fucked around with some chick and is having a kid by her. She was with this guy C for about two years, he played Call of Duty 12 hours a day and held a minimum wage job, had trouble helping her with rent (on a place she BOUGHT), had a kid by a meth addict of which he NEVER took care of (and I'm thinking this is the guy who you will potentially have kids with)? Oh yeah, and that idiot cries all the time. But I guess I would cry too if my life turned out that way. Anyway, she finally broke up with him. Then there was the white boy who pretty much hit it raw and skipped town 2 weeks later to live in d.c. (of which she fell head over heals for...literally). I love how our black women are so eager to suck a white cock or let a random stranger fuck'em raw and just be okay with it. There is nothing wrong with interracial dating, but I'm noticing an epidemic of demoralizing sexual behavior wherein black women make themselves easily sexually available to white men who really don't take them seriously. This shit just happens-- and the women are okay with it. I just think its hard to respect you when you whore yourself out like that. Oh...and of course you have a problem if I hit it a few times without trying to commit to your ass. My ex played the same role. I think its because black women realize the likelihood of settling down with a W is low so they automatically accept the role of fuck buddy, whereas when they see me they think 'well we COULD have a future together' so I won't allow him to treat me like a whore. Which is perfectly logical...only I know wtf is going on. Actually I have proof. I was sleeping with this chick Ashley (hacked her gmail account) to do a lil harmless reading. I read a number of conversations about how conflicted she was because she fucked some random guy while we were dating (and I was being the perfect gentlemen to her wining, dining the whole bit-- not cause she deserved it but I just wanted to see what it would take to put a woman in your pocket (about $400 btw)). Anyway, she had mentioned several times about how nice i was and how well I treated her (cool whatever). I get a hold of these AIM conversations, this chick gave it up to some random guy a few nights before I fucked her (she's single she can do what she wants right?). I didn't treat her any differently after I found out (in fact she still doesn't know that I know what she's up to all the time). Anyway, my point is, after awhile Ashley is like 'the sex is good but this isn't going anywhere and I want more'. At this point I'm thinking to myself 'Are you fucking kidding me-- you're pretty much my wednesday night whore at this point.' Don't get me wrong, its not like she was sleeping around with other guys and wasn't conflicted about it, but she still did what she did with other guys but wanted me to buy into her bullshit. She even said in her IM 'I don't know why I had a one niter when Stephen treats me so well'. Its cool, don't worry about it shortie, I spend most of my time getting even with women who think they're pulling a fast one.

Oh yeah and no worries, I got my ass tested (all clear) so don't fret people. On the flip side, have I been that one nite guy...well not too many times cause its dangerous and its not my style, but I've done it and I continue to be more of a 2-3 week guy (lets make sure they're not completely crazy before I stick it in). What I'm getting at is even if i WANTED to be serious about women they are generally full of shit. Side bar, skipping to T. I know she swears up and down she's been faithful, but I'm 100% sure she's fucked...or possibly just blown (she has an oral fixation, especially for very large penises 9+) a few guys while we were together. She had 5 guys in her phone telling her they loved her and she responded to two of them that she loved them back....yeah it gets better lol. I'm not mad, in fact when I found out I just thought, why can't we just put everything out on the table. You want to do a little swinging, we're mature adults, people like to wander-- lets work something out where we can at least be honest. Nah-- she's swearing up and down she's never done shit even though we stopped fucking for a good month. This is a woman who leaves her masturbation toys in between the living room couch and chair-- seriously lol? Whatever, I didn't catch anything from her and she was tested before we even got busy-- still sketchy.

So back to von. I trust her. I know she has made bad decisions concerning her BF selection but everyone is guilty of that. She's a good person and I think a good fit for me...but its not reciprocated and she negatively affects all my other female relationships because women get jealous. So when I asked her if she could see us getting married and the answer was no, that effectively ended our relationship. I can't have one foot in and the other out. I am pretty serious about finding someone and it would do them an injustice for me to hold on to this psuedo friendship/love affair. So, I went into some absurd depression for about 24 hours and I'm coming out of it now (this always happens, my reactions are unebelievable but I can't control the anxiety and depression that just washes over me, its like knowing you're going to be executed in a few hours or something and I can never shake it until its run its course).

Oh and in a drunken rage I cussed out T (because I'm actually quite angry at her). And told her I'd slept with a ton of people (obviously a lie) while we were together and told her that her new boyfriend was a loser (he's a captain in the age 37-- my friend is a captain and he's seriously). He's not educated, he doesn't even have a permanent residence, isn't sure what he wants to do career wise I mean he might be a nice guy but come on. I think she is used to being the 'more qualified partner' in her 'relationships' and it was a real problem that I had accomplished more than she had at 26. She deserved the tongue lashing though. She's smart but so dumb and immature at the same time (she's 32 btw). She thinks she'll be young forever...honestly I think she is going to be a full blown lesbian who will-- on occasion suck cock. She has these fantasies about dominating asian girls...I never quite understood where it came from...but that's pretty much all she ever talked about during sex and while squirting all over the damn bed like a fire hydrant (yeah I'm the man -- ). Oh yeah not to mention she has interests in watching two guys buttfuck each other and is obsessed with the black gay brule (sp?) that runs the music industry. She is immediately consumed by any story that involves the latest rapper being touched or buttfucked or caught sucking the wang. So...yeah this is the girl the ridicules me because of the freaky shit I bring to the table but cannot look in the mirror. So yeah, I just railed into her, but I really feel like she deserved it. I've never met someone so mean, some of the ignorant, sexist, racist, homophobic shit that would come out of her mouth would shock even the most conservative christian. So I completely cut that off-- up until last weekend we were just hangin out (no sex) and things were cool. I was being nice, kind of taking her shit every now and then when she would just randomly fill up with rage but I thought we could work on that. Guess not.

So here I am, I cut off my friendship with a woman I semi love, of over 18 years. I completely cut it off with my two-faced ex gf. I lost a few hundred dollars attempting to go to Ohio, I bought an overpriced tire to get my car back in order and for the first time in a long time I contemplated talking to V. Yeah, if you read my other posts you would say 'your crazy man'. And I'll say 'Yes I am crazy' but its impossible to remain sane when you see and understand the people you're dealing with. Sometimes I still think I could fix it. I could make it right. V and I had an understanding, granted some untrustworthy things were done on both of our parts but if we wanted to sit down and really make it serious, I think we could-- if she's still willing. I don't know what I should do at the moment. I mean I don't think I should do anything rash.

Ashley wants to go out on a date next week (I knew she'd be back for either the the money or the D or maybe both -- after all she did say to all her girlfriends I havw the best head skills ever-- hey take pride wherever praise is given). Anyway, i'm talking to this chick M. We just talking, she could be a new thing (from Ohio too) but I don't even feel like sleeping with her at this point. I don't really feel like anything. And that is why I am laying on the floor looking at the ceiling-- It makes me feel weightless, suspended in a moment of time.

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