Sunday, March 13, 2011

Just Thinking...

My dreams have been insanely detailed lately. I'm not sure why I'm dreaming so hard lately. They've been pretty much nightmares. Weird dreams of people dying, or C and my dad teaming up to break into the house to retrieve a bank document. Its almost too crazy to begin to explain (I was a vampire). Hmmm still had a weird dream about V as well. I remembered it very vividly this morning but it evades me now. It had something to do with her lying about something and then sleeping with someone else-- not really sure. I was upset when I woke up and decided I'd fuck the hell out of M.

I talked to my aunt yesterday. She says I should call family more often. I never feel like it. Oh, my aunt is like staying with my parents. She ran into some tough times and had to file for bankruptcy I guess (its a mess). So I guess she sees how much my family hurts when I don't call. I'm not sure if I care anymore-- she says I'm numbing myself (which might be true). If I am, it must be my survival mechanism kicking in because I'm pretty sure I'm about to embark in the fight of my life (starting my own business). More on the family stuff, I'm not sure what to say. I never realized how important family was to people until I started to witness it myself. People really call each other a lot and are concerned for each other. Somehow I grew up without any of this. I'm great at pretending (for awhile). I don't want any of them to die, but I am just increasingly detached from their situation. I cannot sympathize with anything wrong in their lives.

I actually just thought of something. I think one of the reasons I'm so angry with my father is because he spent so much time emphasizing how perfect we had to be and how hard we would have to work and how misunderstood we would be all our lives. Its had a terrible affect on me. I think what I cannot forgive is that he asked that of us as children, but as an adult I see so many things he did wrong. This gravely upsets me because I'm dealing with a very serious contradiction. You can set the bar for your children and help them achieve, but you don't brain wash them into thinking that's all there is to life. Now I must spend time undoing this nonsense and healing these emotional wounds. Still, it angers me that I even have to waste time doing something that I feel is easily avoidable. Parents in their infinite wisdom.

Every now and then I kind of miss vonia. I'm always going to love that girl. Its a shame it couldn't work in this reality. No matter how hard I work, or what I accomplish it will always fall short. I guess thats why I realize I can continue to strive for everything and I'll never really be happy. So I don't make it a goal, its just a phase. I could only be happy in a world where everything goes according to my plan and that hasn't, nor will it happen cause that's life. I refuse to accept anything else and would rather choose to be unhappy in an existence I did not choose then accept alternatives. I'm wise enough to realize that what is in store for me could be better than I planned out (I doubt it). But in the off chance this does occur-- well so be it.

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