C and I have definitely been in a bit of a time lapse since graduating college. We just haven't grown up as much as other people. For the most part we still kind of live college lives. I think we'd both agree its a little hard to maintain a serious relationship with both of us in the same house. We're definitely more prone to drinking and partying then any of our friends. But its time. Kinda like that bible quote 'When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things.' But it is sad. This relationship as it stands is the remnants of college life. Now its completely over. With Blake married, JP off finding himself, V completely out of my life and C moving to colorado-- there won't be any daily reminders of what life was 5 years ago (shit has it been that long).
I have a new focus and I can feel myself leaning forward as opposed to wanting to reach back and keep things as they were. As I stated before I'll be moving in august, I guess I'm gonna look for a nice modern apartment in the heart of silver spring. My car will be paid for, job is chill and by that time I should have some contracting work for my business. Looking forward to buying a bunch of bachelor type shit (i think i'm gonna spend the dough on some nice stuff finally-- thinking the whole get up should be about 5Gs). My life will just look radically different from what it is now. I can't even explain how much different my life is going to be, how different I'm going to be.
Sometimes I just sit and think, I realize how my life couldn't change unless some of the people closest to me were no long accessible. As much as all those people i listed earlier mean to me, they've grown to know me over the years and because of that they have their own expectation of me. It's human nature to conform to expectation (even if only on a basic level) and so I really feel like that has influenced me. I feel as though everyone has had the opportunity to mature and change except me. Blake went overseas to fight a war. Christian was in wisconsin for a year and will now be in colorado. But I have always been here, always defined by this space. Even while Blake/C was gone, V was still in my life and I adhered to her expectations. Nate's been in seattle for 5 YEARS. He's changed so much, he's been so high and so low over the years, sometimes I don't know what to expect when I meet him up in PA once a year. Shit, even my extended circle like Cherie-- she's havin a baby, sean is getting married in a month. I can't explain all these changes but I do know that its finally my time.
Sometimes I walk around and I picture myself watching myself as I walk. Its like I'm seeing myself for the first time all over again. I can't quite explain it. Its like I'm looking at myself with a fish bowl lens that's slowly panning out until I look perfectly proportioned again. Things are coming into focus and they make sense. The decisions I made so early in life make sense. Everything that has happened has made me who I am and sometimes I get the feeling that it's not a mistake and its not by happen stance. There is a will being carried out (whether its mine or God's in the guise of what I think to be my own will). For what seems like the very first time in my life I actually want to be the best me possible. As tacky as that sounds, I think I might be coming to terms with actually loving myself. Not loving who or what I have-- but actually just flat out loving myself and choosing my existence above all else.
In life there are no instant replays, there are no time outs, there is no undoing the past. There is no looking back-- besides none of this shit is reversible and only the unwise seek to undo what has been made with the iron clad hands of time.
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