Thursday, December 24, 2009

Trapped in the Extreme North

Well I'm in Boston...and not happy about it. Nice seeing the fam but I'm over it now. My brother totaled the other car so now we've got 4 kids with no wheels (cause I flew up here). I suppose it doesn't matter...but I think I would rather have ordered a shit load of chinese, made an apple pie, downloaded a few movies and played call of duty at home...

I miss my ex. A lot. I know it'll be awhile before things get better but I keep finding myself in these remote locations with nothing to do but contemplate. Last week it was the snow storm, this week I'm in boston with a sorry ass internet connection, no transportation and no friends. Why did I agree to give up a full day of vacation for this punishment? I'm sure there are people out there who wish they had a family to go back to. I just hate being here, its so fuckin cold everywhere, and I hate the people in Boston. Lastly, this house is just falling apart. No one is taking care of anything and its just stupid. My parents need to downsize when they get the chance. Its a giant house with a bunch of junk inside, all the tvs are old, there is just stuff all over the house-- its driving me nuts. I threw out 1/2 a trash bag of old food and attempted to clean the refrigerator. I understand people get busy but there is just no excuse. Even I find time to clean up saturday morning (even if its just a room or two).

Anyway. I feel disheartened about my ex. I feel the need to fuck something again which is going to wreak havoc on my ability to reason stuff out. The sad thing is I don't even want to fuck someone else, I'd really be happy with just fucking V. I think our lives are just too intertwined, the coupling is too close. If we could literally keep it to like 2 dates a month and maybe sex once a week and avoid other contact we'd be okay the majority of the time. Of course, that doesn't sound like a great relationship. However, I feel like neither one of us needs or has time for a full fledged relationship but we would benefit from not wasting time and effort meeting new people that are likely not matches. I don't know...from a male perspective I'm really torn. I think V is pretty. I like having her by my side when I go to events. I like having her around about 1/2 the time. I like when she gives me input for shopping and clothes, I like cooking for her cause she likes all the stuff I make. I like watching her undress, I've always been an ass man but I've grown fond of her skinny cheeks (lol). I dunno...these things make me happy. But then I think about all the rough times, and how much I've been trying to make things work between us. She said she feels differently about me now, I don't know-- i don't think she knows if she felt differently. Things ARE different though. Thats life-- it changes on you. I hate the fact that she can't make it through a damn movie. Vacations/trips have never been fun with her. She is always high maintenance on trips, always emotionally frustrated during our trips, which turns into no sex, which puts me in a bad mood. Which ultimately ruins the trip. Can I be with someone I can't go on a simple vacation with? I hate that v doesn't understand what I'm always talking about...sometimes she's just not interested-- like stocks or computer stuff or politics, we don't even really see eye to eye (not even close) on religious matters. I feel like she's part of the brain washed millions of people out there. No real sense or understanding of organized religion, yet she takes it seriously but hasn't even attempted to read or understand the bible in its entirety. Her view on marriage use to be so typical, I think its changed. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. I'm not sure if that changes anything. V will become the gf I deserve but probably not the gf I need right now (ha yeah its a batman quote sucka). I wish she could cook...she just can't. It just sucks...some things are really bad with her I suppose, but some things are really good. I love how she folds my laundry. I love how she fucks me, I don't think I'll ever take that for granted. She would cum so hard on my dick, that was pleasurable-- a lot of women don't even know how to cum. I dunno if I can deal with a novice in the bedroom-- I really hate that shit. I'm annoyed. I'll be upset. I wish I could feel better.

Its crazy because now I feel like I'm in some competition with her next bf-- a guy I don't even know. She doesn't even know. Why do I feel compelled to compete with a complete stranger. Someone who is likely to be far different then me. Would I feel better or worse if she was happy with a prestigious lawyer or perhaps a school teacher. If its the lawyer I would be pissed because I would feel like it was just monetary (even though she doesn't really care about monetary gain). In my head, the lawyer could provide an ideal scenario for forging a working relationship via his money. V might notice how she doesn't fight with the lawyer the way she and I would fight, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that he's really shouldering the economic burden of the relationship. I don't think I could live like that though, I don't want that. Psychologically-- I think something happens to men who are the breadwinner for the majority of the relationship. I want a partnership. Breadwinners-- they breakdown, they get tired, they have affairs with their secretaries. Breadwinners believe they are the center of the household and through them all things are possible. The ego becomes too large to manage. So men with this mentality feel they can do whatever they want...they can justify any behaviour. They are more likely to cheat, more likely to want a divorce, more likely to break down. This scenario is not ideal for me. So should I be mad if V ends up with the lawyer type? Probably not. There is that case where she finds a financially sound guy and he is physically and emotionally sound-- but what are the odds? I know of only a few men in that category (myself excluded) and they've been married for some time. Why do I feel the need to be the best she ever had? This is a terrible desire and it will undoubtedly fail. Someone better will come along. If this is true then why don't you believe it yourself? Someone better will come along for you as well. I'm not sure why I'm so sure someone better will come along for V and not me. Part of it is that I'm very demanding...and V is not. Although I feel like she can be so much more selective then me. There seems to be guys hitting on her on every block in every bar. I barely make conversation. I need to change my habits. I'm gonna have to play this game again if I want to determine how my future unfolds.

I've never played the victim in anything I do, why would I start now. If I want the perfect girl I'm going to have to actively find her. If I spent the same amount of effort in finding a girl as I did school, or my job, or even going to the gym I'd probably be with Halle Berry-- ok that's taking it a bit far, but you know what I mean. Ambition is a strange thing.

Back to my case scenario...if it was a teacher would I feel better? I'd feel like there was just something internal about the teacher..something I didn't really have. Maybe a love for children. I would only be lying to myself. I'd feel better if she fell in love with some guy with a completely different personality. He shouldn't be type A, he shouldn't be driven by money, he shouldn't have a dislike for children. He can still be financially successful, but his core values, I hope, are much different then mine. Then I could say we're just incompatible and this was suppose to happen. I would be distraught if she found some D-bag just like me. In fact that would be the worse case...although I think it would be hard to find someone like me as I haven't really run into anyone quite like me with similar physical attributes and earning potential. Should how I feel about this breakup really be determined by her next bf? That sounds stupid.

Lastly, I feel like the next guy for V is the one she's settling down with. Women start off very selective but as they get older they broaden their scope. Even if the next guy isn't as good as me, he might be close enough that she'll decide to settle. The only scenario that this would bother me is if I too, paired with a woman who I didn't think was better then V. This is actually the worse case scenario from an objective perspective. Neither of us would have an optimal matching. This is very similar to the prisoner's dilemma. Staying together is probably the best thing we could do considering the number of unknowns in our future. However, If one of us does defect and finds someone better, then naturally that person made the better decision. If we both defect (as we've mutually decided to break up), but we don't find a better mate then we both lose out. From my POV, the best thing for me to do would have been to stick with V but play the field and only leave if I find a girl that I know is much better then V. Of course...this would amount to cheating so I guess that puts a wrench in the prisoner's dilemma comparison.

I'm tired..gonna go take a nap.

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