Sunday, December 20, 2009


I'm writing this letter but I don't plan on sending it. I just want to get some of my thoughts out of my head. I'm upset. I am pretty angry with the world right now. I feel hopeless and angry because I feel like I can't change my situation. If I could change my situation what would I change it to? I'd like to think of my ideal girl. A girl with the same emotional perception about love, the same tenderness and humanity that you have but smarter. I wish she could 'get' me. I wish she wouldn't have all the twisted emotional baggage you do. I wish she would be happy to participate in all the crazy fucked up sexually deviant shit I'm in to. I wish she had lighter skin. I wish she was shorter then you. Why the physicality? We all get old got like 20 years before time catches up with you. Do those things really matter? They matter to me, right now... but maybe not later. I think about the future alot...never now. I'm 26 and my life might be passing me by. But I can't say fuck the future, even though I have no plans for the future. I don't think I care. I'm not interested in marriage or kids, I would love wealth but its not a requirement. My life could be meaningless or it could be meaningful...why am I so ambivalent. How can I be so ambivalent about my entire life? I can care but I don't really care. So what if you don't settle down with a dime-- its your life live it how you want. You can live it how you want but every decision has a consequence. You are a prisoner of those consequences. Why don't you take more risk? I'm bored with risks though, I'm bored with assessing risk, I don't care for the rewards. Would you prefer death? I'm not sure-- possibly. There is risk in that, albeit unavoidable risk, but risk none the less. Why don't you do riskier things if the risk doesn't matter? Because I'm not okay with the consequences of some risks. Then you care about your life. You are not as ambivalent about life as you think. What about life do you feel is worth saving? Being financially safe would be a worthy achievement. Is that all? I can't think of anything else. But you don't consider yourself materialistic. Not at all...I don't want to buy a bunch of stuff...I want my freedom. Can I be free without money? Or is money the warden of my prison? Am I enslaving myself to the money by pursuing it? If this is my only real goal...its almost like a god, I would sacrifice everything else for it if I were guaranteed financial sanctity? You're worried you might find more to your life then just money? Perhaps. What else could there be? I'm not sure. You don't know what you want out of life, but you have a lot of options. You could pack up your shit and go somewhere...but that would be unlike you. Being you has only gotten you so far. You need to be someone else to get you further. Further? You still don't know where you're trying to go. Fuck trying to go somewhere-- you might not know who you are. Who you are is relative to the time and place of existence. So then you should go somewhere else to be some one else? Does that make sense? I feel the same everywhere I go. Is the world a variable and I'm the constant...or am I the variable and the world the constant? Does it matter so long as one is changing? Yes it matters, if I'm the variable I can be in control, if I'm the constant then things happen to me but I remain the same. I don't know if that makes sense...neither do I. You want control? Control is elusive, control can be perceived. Control is fictitious in nature, it may not be reality. You are not in control of your life. How am I not? You let things happen to you, you don't influence things. Your purpose is to influence things, not to control them. Influence. Watch things move. There may be no purpose. Name your fears. Heights, losing arms or legs, never realizing my potential, not fulfilling responsibility, never finding acceptance, never accepting the world. You can do something about most of those. Why don't you?

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