Sunday, January 25, 2009

Dots not Feathers

I'm not sure what brought me back after not posting for so long but a lot has changed.  My last post talked about buying my first house.  Everything went well and for the most part I've got no complaints.  Reading the entries in my blog I can honestly say I'm a bit wiser even though it’s only been a year.  I'm back with my ex girlfriend which is something I never thought would happen.  A lot has changed both inside and out.


The job I took is a lot of work but I think in the long run it will be a good thing.  I've got a few dreams and aspirations to come up with the next big idea, but I'm realistic about it.  I'm giving myself a few years and if none of my ideas pan out I'll switch gears to see what I can do about solidifying my own technical consulting business.  


I started the year with my ex, we broke up, and I dated other people for awhile...well one in particular. She was-- in a lot of ways a breath of fresh air, she just had one huge 'flaw'.  The girl turned out to be a virgin and it was a real deal breaker eventually.  I really liked her personality, admired her aspirations etc.  But she had some serious fucked up hang-ups that I just wasn't really willing to accommodate.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all for taking time to figure out if someone is 'worth it' but I had my guard up because something just isn't right about a 24 year old virgin.  I'm a firm believer that a woman's virginity is a great thing, but if a woman holds on to it too long it begins to define her.  There are societies that literally revolve around the bartering and selling/negotiation of female innocence.  I would compare it to a treasure chest if anything, initially it’s great but you try lugging around a trunk full of gold for 10 years and you start plotting ways of dumping the damn thing so you can get to where you want to be.  Where you want to be?  Well, she wanted the closeness, most people do.  But it’s pretty hard to feel that connected with someone without being intimate with them.  It became a game of cat and mouse, 'we can do this but we can't do that'.  It was like being 16 again, too much frustration, and too much confusion getting in the way.  At age 24 the process of becoming intimate with someone who feels deeply for you and vice-versa should be so natural neither party has to give it thought.  Sex shouldn't even be a question-- but it was a question that lingered every time we got close...and man did it get awkward.  Well those awkward feelings became resentment and then they became a mild dislike.  It sucked because I know I didn't dislike her, I disliked her virginity.  As bad as it sounds I almost wanted her to fuck ANYONE, get it over with so that we could be natural with each other.  Well I know she thought about it...I think she thought about it a lot and I'm probably the closest anyone has ever come to getting her to open up.  God help the man that actually does because the emotional attachment will be so great he'll be the last woman he ever sleeps with (so that might mean marriage or it might mean death).  Anyway, I abstained for almost 6 months and I just couldn't go on any longer.  Long story-- long, that was the most effort I ever put into a relationship and made me appreciate my ex girlfriend a hell of a lot more.  


What did I take away from it all?  I think I understand women a lot more.  After putting that much effort into someone I felt bitter for the first time.  I was angry and disappointed and really hurt.  I have never experienced such a deep level of rejection from someone who I completely opened up to.  It also put all the women I dated after my ex but before the virgin into perspective.  I had gone from one end of the spectrum to the other in a lot of ways and while I had a connection with both women on a deep level, I don't think I could ever be satisfied.  I came to the conclusion that this realization was one of those differences between women and men.  Men...we always settle.  It’s just in our nature to find more, to want more, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.  We settle because one day we get up, look in the mirror and realize that we can't see our abs anymore, our hairline is receding, our dicks don't stand at attention like they use to and this reality is going to be as good as it gets.  You look at the woman you're currently with and if you know (not believe) that this woman actually loves you for being you then you take a fuckin knee and pop the fuckin question.  Women!  Women believe in the 'one' that will complete them.  While some women do settle, a lot of them find what they're looking for.  There may be few or perhaps no doubts that this is the guy they've been looking for and so they feel natural about getting married and being with one person for the remainder of their lives.  The fact that a woman CAN think this way almost confirms my suspicion that women generally don't settle.  The solace that a woman has concerning marriage can only be kept if she honestly believes there aren't better partners out there.  Ergo, 'There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door'  


So where am I going with this?  Before I conclude I'll summarize one of the shittiest nights in my life (just before the Virgin Mary and I broke up).  I got way too drunk and one of the girls at the house party the Virgin and I were at took a strong liking to me.  Long story short, I ended up in the bathroom with this girl and got caught.  Now I know in the back of my head I wasn't going to do ANYTHING with this chick, it was just the allure of being pursued coupled with her insatiable figure pitted against my 6 months of abstaining from sex.  At that point I was so drunk I couldn't see myself in the fucking mirror much less get my dick up.  Why did I go into the bathroom?  I don't know, I'll never know why I did what I did that night...I was so drunk I actually gave up alcohol after that debacle.  It was at that point that I realized there isn't even grass on the other side...the shit ain't real? It’s not fucking real!  Stop running after these dumb bitches.  I thought about it long and hard, say I had fucked her in the bathroom..what was I going to do with this girl afterwards?  'Hey kids...wanna know how me and your mother met?'  You know what I mean-- I was fucking absurd.  My life was absurd at that point, I was making some god awful choices and I realized I wanted to change.  I'm not sure why it took me so long to realize that the girl in the bathroom wasn't real.  To some extent the virgin wasn't even 'real'.  Granted we had a thing, but I was pursuing her for reasons I'm not sure I fully understood.  I had personal goals and motivations that I wanted to fulfill (or prove rather) with her but I guess without her physical AND emotional commitment it wasn't real.  Well I had both of those things with my ex, and I don't think I've ever had both at the same time with anyone else in my life.  Not only did I have it with my ex but I believe we have a great balance, we mutually understand that balance...the virgin and I never saw eye to eye when it came to that balance.  She wasn't real...but she was a damn good mirage.  


So now I feel good when my girlfriend asks me if I'd cheat again and I can honestly say no.  Wait a minute don't laugh and shrug this off.  I'm a realist; you and I both know that if Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie or the baddest bitch you've ever seen made herself completely a man I'd have trouble with that.  I can't say in every instance in every case I wouldn't cheat.  But I use the same logic when asked if I would ever kill someone.  In general, I'm not a killer, but if I'm gettin choked out in a mud pit in the middle of world war III I'm killing you before you kill me.  So help me god if I'm layin on a sandy white beach on a tropical island thousands of miles away from anyone I know and Halle berry slaps me with her tittie I'm going to have to sleep with that woman.  And that’s part of the reason I KNOW I can't get married, until you can say you're strong enough to stand firm in an unlikely scenario such as the one mentioned're not ready.  That being said,  I think I've learned enough now that in a normal setting I'd have no trouble walking away from women who want to fuck me.  Ergo 'Do not try to bend the spoon.  That's impossible instead...only try to realize the truth...there is no spoon.  Then you'll see it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.'


Before I complete this book I'd like to share one more realization.  We've all heard that statement 'a woman knows if she'll fuck you within five minutes of meeting you'.  I never thought about the reasoning behind such a statement until after the Virgin Mary.  It’s my belief that every time a woman meets a man there are a number of internal questions that a woman asks herself.  'Would this guy make a good husband?', 'Is this guy attractive or considered a decent catch?', 'Is he worth leaving my current mate?'.  If the answer to these questions isn't yes...she's not fucking you.  Where did I come up with this?  As soon as I realized there was no grass on the other side, I began to ask myself these questions when I started meeting women.  Pre-virgin period the question was 'Would I fuck this girl?'  'Does she have kids?' 'Are the odds that she'll fuck me high enough to pursue?'  I usually only needed two out of the three favorable responses and so I'd have no trouble talking it up with just about every girl I met.  I noticed after I started asking the former set of questions I was turning down women much like they turned down men.  To some people, you might be thinking 'DUH' but up until recently I never thought about how women eliminate men so easily.  I think it is that basic and it’s that simple. So refraining from cheating is...well just as simple.  Every time I've been approached since that night I've stuck by that rule and it’s served me well.  I'd have to say if any woman does pass the test then it’s likely I've found someone better than my current partner so fucking the new chick would be the optimal thing to do.  Well I'm tired of typing and I've got work to do but hopefully someone will get a kick out of my life lessons...


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