Not bad

I went running in the cold and now I feel like crap. I'm back from my 5 day stint of no work feeling-- not the least bit refreshed. After my failed attempt to make it to Ohio I opted to hang out with Ash. I had a good time. We ate at this spot, Agora-- not too bad, probably won't visit again as the chef def needs some help (from me). She's doing alright, finally settled in her new job. She got fired from her last and I think she was a little apprehensive about going out (even though I usually pay for things). I can tell she's been dating, of course her story is that she's been inactive but I'd assume 1 or 2 partners since we last met. She gets a big kick out of me and my dating stories (I really should share some of the crazy shit that happens to me). I can tell-- she misses me, in fact dinner was her idea. We walked back to the metro together and I couldn't tell if she wanted to come home with me or not. She kept saying ish like 'well I guess this is where we have to part ways' and I'd be like 'yeeeeeeeeeep, have a good night' then she said 'Oh we have 10 minutes until the next train...' and on and on...there seem to be about 4 excuses as to why I should hang around. I was headed towards shady grove, she was going towards glenmont...she even attempted 'accidentally' going down the wrong escalator to the wrong side (which would be my side). I kept correcting her. I'm not sure if that was her being ditzy or her wanting me to invite her over. I didn't really spend time thinking about it cause I didn't want to deal with the annoyance of getting her back to the metro in the morning...and I just wasn't feeling it.

I can't quite explain why I'm so nice to her. I think its just cause she reminds me of my ex and I just feel bad for the way I treated her. I know I must be sending confusing signals by being so nice to her but oddly enough, me being nice to her is still really more about me than it is her-- she just happens to benefit from it. From our discussion it sounds like her friends are very curious about me and I can understand why. They probably encounter few guys who wine and dine at decent spots for the F of it, or weekend trips to nearby cities just to be somewhere different...or movies or ski trips (that has yet to come). In fact I guess that's what spawned the 'exclusivity' conversation. I told her it doesn't make sense for women to approach men about being exclusive, it has to be the other way around. If a woman states that she wants to be exclusive most men will take this as a green light to explore other options WHILE dating her. Why? Because shortie is locked down already. If you're heart is in it you're not going anywhere, in fact its so tempting to abuse that power because women are more willing to put up with ish just to see if a guy is willing to go the extra step. Lastly, there is no real penalty with stating you're exclusive-- say she does find out...well its not like you were 'together' you were just exclusive. Its a real gray area when women ask to be exclusive. Flip the script though, if a guy asks it means he's a bit more serious and would like to make sure you're not running around..aka pretty much gf status. I think exclusivity is really just a short precursor to actually being together. Likely, there is something about your character that he isn't quite sure of but he probably likes 90% of you. Maybe you said something like 'I don't want a boyfriend right now' or whatever but you've been dating homeboy for a few months. Who knows...anyway-- Ash and I had that convo. I removed myself from the situation, made sure we were only talking about hypothetical situations and not 'us'. If I hear from her again within a week then it might be time to bail completely. The fact that she still feels the need to lie about other men she might be entertaining actually means she's more interested in me than she cares to admit. Either way I'm pretty ambivalent to the whole matter and I have a date with M on Thursday.

perspective

Had dinner lastnight with one of my best friends and his wife. We're talking and his wife mentions to me that some girl (who we all mutually know through college) THINKS we have a THING. The girl is pretty unattractive, I think we may have had 4 conversations since I've known her and it's likely in the best case I was somewhat respectful towards her but I can guarantee I've never made any advances on this chick whatsoever. Anyway, what's startling to me is that she feels like we've never been together because of bad timing. She wholly and completely believes that we have some hidden love interest going on and it just never had the opportunity to happen. My jaw dropped. The level of fabrication in her head necessary to believe such a thing is border line 'a beautiful mind'. B (my friend) laughs stating 'I don't even think you were even nice to that girl'.

Then it struck me. In fact a wave of sorrow hit me at the table that might have been visible to my friend and his wife. I'm guilty of the same thing with Von. Granted the history is different, we were lovers we did have a thing but its so far gone, so long ago...and everything since then has just been sex. Regardless, the thoughts, my perception of what we were or could be was so far off the mark that it was laughable. Every time reality began to seep in, my fantasy world would come crashing down. It was never going to work between us because-- well because it couldn't. If it was suppose to work, with all my effort and time and money and heart...this would have worked by now. Even a day later, I'm realizing I have to let this go more than anything. I can't continue to hold on to this fairy tale, no matter how dark and depressing my reality might become. She is really the wall that I continue to crash into. She is why I can't get any further in any of my relationships. I cannot progress with her in my life. She's like Maul from inception (had to throw that in there). I'll be writing more, I think its helping.

goodbye

Strange. That is how I would describe my life. I can't really make sense of it and I've stopped trying to. I should be in Ohio right now visiting an old friend. I couldn't make it to the airport because I got a flat tire. It's kind of my fault but it kind of...isn't. Up until yesterday I wasn't sure how to change a flat tire (it is remarkably easy though). I remember taking a look at the level contraption and thinking 'how the F is this suppose to work?' I think I already had it in my head that I was not going to ever change a flat tire so I never took the initiative to learn (which was dumb). Anyway, to circumvent the likelihood of needing to change a flat tire I went to the shop to get one of my tires replaced (I had 4 fresh ones put on in May, but one tire got damaged in june so i put an old one on). Anyway, long story short I went out of my way to make sure my car was in tip top shape for the trip to BWI (1 hr and some change). To my demise, 1/2 a mile away from my house I get a flat. My flight was at 10:30 (check in by 9:30) and it was currently 8:00. I tried arranging a pickup from the airport..no good, I tried getting a later flight (all three airports and different carriers)...no good. I was fucked. By 9:45 it became very apparent I wasn't going anywhere. I took Friday and Monday off of work so i had a 4 day weekend ahead of me with absolutely nothing to do. In fact I'm doing nothing right now. I can't believe that actually happened at that specific time. I became filled with rage-- this was rage I hadn't really had since I broke up with V. It was like someone hit a reset button. I'll explain the consequences of this later...

I did learn how to change my tire...which is good cause I won't fall victim to that again. I also ended up shelling out 200 for a brand new tire (yeah they're expensive sport tires yada yada yada). While waiting for the tire I went to hooters. Sat by myself in a corner, jacked in my laptop and listened to music while trying to get some work done, but i couldn't concentrate. I got a call from von-- rage ensued. Throughout the day I kept asking myself, why am I doing this? Why am i going to see this person who lives in the middle of nowhere? Why are we even still friends? Well these answers would become apparent very shortly. We talked for a bit, about how much the failed attempt at seeing each other sucked. I forget how it happened. But I just asked her if she could see us getting married-- the answer was no. So I think I shut down. It was some bullshit reason. I mean I understand, 'we don't get along'. To some degree that's true, we have dumb fights-- over IM, like seriously? I always felt things would be different if we were physically together. Half the time I just make outrageous statements to keep the convo interesting-- I'm not actually serious. But I guess she always took that as a sign we couldn't get along. I couldn't believe it and I wouldn't accept it (which are two major factors that result in an emotional state of anger). From my perspective, I had what all those other idiots were missing. She had this guy R who couldn't stop slutting it up left and right, I mean really couldn't stop cheating. He had his financial shit on lock (similar to myself) but fucked around with some chick and is having a kid by her. She was with this guy C for about two years, he played Call of Duty 12 hours a day and held a minimum wage job, had trouble helping her with rent (on a place she BOUGHT), had a kid by a meth addict of which he NEVER took care of (and I'm thinking this is the guy who you will potentially have kids with)? Oh yeah, and that idiot cries all the time. But I guess I would cry too if my life turned out that way. Anyway, she finally broke up with him. Then there was the white boy who pretty much hit it raw and skipped town 2 weeks later to live in d.c. (of which she fell head over heals for...literally). I love how our black women are so eager to suck a white cock or let a random stranger fuck'em raw and just be okay with it. There is nothing wrong with interracial dating, but I'm noticing an epidemic of demoralizing sexual behavior wherein black women make themselves easily sexually available to white men who really don't take them seriously. This shit just happens-- and the women are okay with it. I just think its hard to respect you when you whore yourself out like that. Oh...and of course you have a problem if I hit it a few times without trying to commit to your ass. My ex played the same role. I think its because black women realize the likelihood of settling down with a W is low so they automatically accept the role of fuck buddy, whereas when they see me they think 'well we COULD have a future together' so I won't allow him to treat me like a whore. Which is perfectly logical...only I know wtf is going on. Actually I have proof. I was sleeping with this chick Ashley (hacked her gmail account) to do a lil harmless reading. I read a number of conversations about how conflicted she was because she fucked some random guy while we were dating (and I was being the perfect gentlemen to her wining, dining the whole bit-- not cause she deserved it but I just wanted to see what it would take to put a woman in your pocket (about $400 btw)). Anyway, she had mentioned several times about how nice i was and how well I treated her (cool whatever). I get a hold of these AIM conversations, this chick gave it up to some random guy a few nights before I fucked her (she's single she can do what she wants right?). I didn't treat her any differently after I found out (in fact she still doesn't know that I know what she's up to all the time). Anyway, my point is, after awhile Ashley is like 'the sex is good but this isn't going anywhere and I want more'. At this point I'm thinking to myself 'Are you fucking kidding me-- you're pretty much my wednesday night whore at this point.' Don't get me wrong, its not like she was sleeping around with other guys and wasn't conflicted about it, but she still did what she did with other guys but wanted me to buy into her bullshit. She even said in her IM 'I don't know why I had a one niter when Stephen treats me so well'. Its cool, don't worry about it shortie, I spend most of my time getting even with women who think they're pulling a fast one.

Oh yeah and no worries, I got my ass tested (all clear) so don't fret people. On the flip side, have I been that one nite guy...well not too many times cause its dangerous and its not my style, but I've done it and I continue to be more of a 2-3 week guy (lets make sure they're not completely crazy before I stick it in). What I'm getting at is even if i WANTED to be serious about women they are generally full of shit. Side bar, skipping to T. I know she swears up and down she's been faithful, but I'm 100% sure she's fucked...or possibly just blown (she has an oral fixation, especially for very large penises 9+) a few guys while we were together. She had 5 guys in her phone telling her they loved her and she responded to two of them that she loved them back....yeah it gets better lol. I'm not mad, in fact when I found out I just thought, why can't we just put everything out on the table. You want to do a little swinging, we're mature adults, people like to wander-- lets work something out where we can at least be honest. Nah-- she's swearing up and down she's never done shit even though we stopped fucking for a good month. This is a woman who leaves her masturbation toys in between the living room couch and chair-- seriously lol? Whatever, I didn't catch anything from her and she was tested before we even got busy-- still sketchy.

So back to von. I trust her. I know she has made bad decisions concerning her BF selection but everyone is guilty of that. She's a good person and I think a good fit for me...but its not reciprocated and she negatively affects all my other female relationships because women get jealous. So when I asked her if she could see us getting married and the answer was no, that effectively ended our relationship. I can't have one foot in and the other out. I am pretty serious about finding someone and it would do them an injustice for me to hold on to this psuedo friendship/love affair. So, I went into some absurd depression for about 24 hours and I'm coming out of it now (this always happens, my reactions are unebelievable but I can't control the anxiety and depression that just washes over me, its like knowing you're going to be executed in a few hours or something and I can never shake it until its run its course).

Oh and in a drunken rage I cussed out T (because I'm actually quite angry at her). And told her I'd slept with a ton of people (obviously a lie) while we were together and told her that her new boyfriend was a loser (he's a captain in the army...at age 37-- my friend is a captain and he's 26...like seriously). He's not educated, he doesn't even have a permanent residence, isn't sure what he wants to do career wise I mean he might be a nice guy but come on. I think she is used to being the 'more qualified partner' in her 'relationships' and it was a real problem that I had accomplished more than she had at 26. She deserved the tongue lashing though. She's smart but so dumb and immature at the same time (she's 32 btw). She thinks she'll be young forever...honestly I think she is going to be a full blown lesbian who will-- on occasion suck cock. She has these fantasies about dominating asian girls...I never quite understood where it came from...but that's pretty much all she ever talked about during sex and while squirting all over the damn bed like a fire hydrant (yeah I'm the man -- ). Oh yeah not to mention she has interests in watching two guys buttfuck each other and is obsessed with the black gay brule (sp?) that runs the music industry. She is immediately consumed by any story that involves the latest rapper being touched or buttfucked or caught sucking the wang. So...yeah this is the girl the ridicules me because of the freaky shit I bring to the table but cannot look in the mirror. So yeah, I just railed into her, but I really feel like she deserved it. I've never met someone so mean, some of the ignorant, sexist, racist, homophobic shit that would come out of her mouth would shock even the most conservative christian. So I completely cut that off-- up until last weekend we were just hangin out (no sex) and things were cool. I was being nice, kind of taking her shit every now and then when she would just randomly fill up with rage but I thought we could work on that. Guess not.

So here I am, I cut off my friendship with a woman I semi love, of over 18 years. I completely cut it off with my two-faced ex gf. I lost a few hundred dollars attempting to go to Ohio, I bought an overpriced tire to get my car back in order and for the first time in a long time I contemplated talking to V. Yeah, if you read my other posts you would say 'your crazy man'. And I'll say 'Yes I am crazy' but its impossible to remain sane when you see and understand the people you're dealing with. Sometimes I still think I could fix it. I could make it right. V and I had an understanding, granted some untrustworthy things were done on both of our parts but if we wanted to sit down and really make it serious, I think we could-- if she's still willing. I don't know what I should do at the moment. I mean I don't think I should do anything rash.

Ashley wants to go out on a date next week (I knew she'd be back for either the the money or the D or maybe both -- after all she did say to all her girlfriends I havw the best head skills ever-- hey take pride wherever praise is given). Anyway, i'm talking to this chick M. We just talking, she could be a new thing (from Ohio too) but I don't even feel like sleeping with her at this point. I don't really feel like anything. And that is why I am laying on the floor looking at the ceiling-- It makes me feel weightless, suspended in a moment of time.

hmmm

New Post coming soon...

Another change

I won't write a whole lot tonight. The spring is finally here, tired of old man winter. Does one live vicariously through oneself if the mind feels the body is a lifeless doll. Sometimes I feel like my reflection is equally real to my actual self. I am present, yet so far removed.

It always rains right after I wash my car...even in the winter.

I feel like I might be stuck in the past. I keep seeing the same people, am I doing the same things? I can't tell anymore. I'm looking for a new job. I need something new, I need to continue working on my idea. Something is killing me on the inside. It shows on the outside. Why do I feel immovable but so vulnerable at times? I can't make sense of these things, but a lot of it doesn't matter. Could I really live a life and regret it? Why don't I regret anything? I think I care about this life but sometimes I'm not sure. I need a shock, not necessarily a bad shock, I don't need anything terrible...just something different.

I'm more frustrated then anything. I'm laying in bed but I'm never asleep.

I have no passion, thats my problem. I am not passionate about work or the women I sleep with or the people I meet, the things I do or do not accomplish. I want to do certain things but at the same time I do not care if they get done. How can that be possible? I haven't lost faith but do not feel it necessary to prove anything. I am in a discontent state of contradiction. The pacifist within is waging war where he once quelled the urge of the other by song alone. The monster that feeds on his own flesh to satisfy an insatiable hunger. The flames that burn but do not consume.

Could I become someone else? Something else? Be somewhere else? Be with someone else?

I'm with T. She is my escape. I confide in her, I am almost in love with her. But perhaps something is off. Or maybe nothing is off and there are other factors. But I feel like nothing could ever be completely right. How could I be such a cliche hopeless romantic? I'm not failing at life but I feel like a failure. T makes me exhale. I feel so good around her that I think I'm gonna be sick when she leaves. Every time she leaves I feel like I'm dying-- but I don't feel like I'm in love, I just feel so hard cause its the only way I know how to be. I have, given a piece of my heart to every woman I've ever fucked...and I feel numb. I feel numb. I don't regret it, I can't regret it. It felt too good, felt too right all those times. But i feel how the abyss looks.

Planning a trip to europe, cause I said I would...

Trapped in the Extreme North

Well I'm in Boston...and not happy about it. Nice seeing the fam but I'm over it now. My brother totaled the other car so now we've got 4 kids with no wheels (cause I flew up here). I suppose it doesn't matter...but I think I would rather have ordered a shit load of chinese, made an apple pie, downloaded a few movies and played call of duty at home...

I miss my ex. A lot. I know it'll be awhile before things get better but I keep finding myself in these remote locations with nothing to do but contemplate. Last week it was the snow storm, this week I'm in boston with a sorry ass internet connection, no transportation and no friends. Why did I agree to give up a full day of vacation for this punishment? I'm sure there are people out there who wish they had a family to go back to. I just hate being here, its so fuckin cold everywhere, and I hate the people in Boston. Lastly, this house is just falling apart. No one is taking care of anything and its just stupid. My parents need to downsize when they get the chance. Its a giant house with a bunch of junk inside, all the tvs are old, there is just stuff all over the house-- its driving me nuts. I threw out 1/2 a trash bag of old food and attempted to clean the refrigerator. I understand people get busy but there is just no excuse. Even I find time to clean up saturday morning (even if its just a room or two).

Anyway. I feel disheartened about my ex. I feel the need to fuck something again which is going to wreak havoc on my ability to reason stuff out. The sad thing is I don't even want to fuck someone else, I'd really be happy with just fucking V. I think our lives are just too intertwined, the coupling is too close. If we could literally keep it to like 2 dates a month and maybe sex once a week and avoid other contact we'd be okay the majority of the time. Of course, that doesn't sound like a great relationship. However, I feel like neither one of us needs or has time for a full fledged relationship but we would benefit from not wasting time and effort meeting new people that are likely not matches. I don't know...from a male perspective I'm really torn. I think V is pretty. I like having her by my side when I go to events. I like having her around about 1/2 the time. I like when she gives me input for shopping and clothes, I like cooking for her cause she likes all the stuff I make. I like watching her undress, I've always been an ass man but I've grown fond of her skinny cheeks (lol). I dunno...these things make me happy. But then I think about all the rough times, and how much I've been trying to make things work between us. She said she feels differently about me now, I don't know-- i don't think she knows if she felt differently. Things ARE different though. Thats life-- it changes on you. I hate the fact that she can't make it through a damn movie. Vacations/trips have never been fun with her. She is always high maintenance on trips, always emotionally frustrated during our trips, which turns into no sex, which puts me in a bad mood. Which ultimately ruins the trip. Can I be with someone I can't go on a simple vacation with? I hate that v doesn't understand what I'm always talking about...sometimes she's just not interested-- like stocks or computer stuff or politics, we don't even really see eye to eye (not even close) on religious matters. I feel like she's part of the brain washed millions of people out there. No real sense or understanding of organized religion, yet she takes it seriously but hasn't even attempted to read or understand the bible in its entirety. Her view on marriage use to be so typical, I think its changed. I'm not sure if thats good or bad. I'm not sure if that changes anything. V will become the gf I deserve but probably not the gf I need right now (ha yeah its a batman quote sucka). I wish she could cook...she just can't. It just sucks...some things are really bad with her I suppose, but some things are really good. I love how she folds my laundry. I love how she fucks me, I don't think I'll ever take that for granted. She would cum so hard on my dick, that was pleasurable-- a lot of women don't even know how to cum. I dunno if I can deal with a novice in the bedroom-- I really hate that shit. I'm annoyed. I'll be upset. I wish I could feel better.

Its crazy because now I feel like I'm in some competition with her next bf-- a guy I don't even know. She doesn't even know. Why do I feel compelled to compete with a complete stranger. Someone who is likely to be far different then me. Would I feel better or worse if she was happy with a prestigious lawyer or perhaps a school teacher. If its the lawyer I would be pissed because I would feel like it was just monetary (even though she doesn't really care about monetary gain). In my head, the lawyer could provide an ideal scenario for forging a working relationship via his money. V might notice how she doesn't fight with the lawyer the way she and I would fight, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that he's really shouldering the economic burden of the relationship. I don't think I could live like that though, I don't want that. Psychologically-- I think something happens to men who are the breadwinner for the majority of the relationship. I want a partnership. Breadwinners-- they breakdown, they get tired, they have affairs with their secretaries. Breadwinners believe they are the center of the household and through them all things are possible. The ego becomes too large to manage. So men with this mentality feel they can do whatever they want...they can justify any behaviour. They are more likely to cheat, more likely to want a divorce, more likely to break down. This scenario is not ideal for me. So should I be mad if V ends up with the lawyer type? Probably not. There is that case where she finds a financially sound guy and he is physically and emotionally sound-- but what are the odds? I know of only a few men in that category (myself excluded) and they've been married for some time. Why do I feel the need to be the best she ever had? This is a terrible desire and it will undoubtedly fail. Someone better will come along. If this is true then why don't you believe it yourself? Someone better will come along for you as well. I'm not sure why I'm so sure someone better will come along for V and not me. Part of it is that I'm very demanding...and V is not. Although I feel like she can be so much more selective then me. There seems to be guys hitting on her on every block in every bar. I barely make conversation. I need to change my habits. I'm gonna have to play this game again if I want to determine how my future unfolds.

I've never played the victim in anything I do, why would I start now. If I want the perfect girl I'm going to have to actively find her. If I spent the same amount of effort in finding a girl as I did school, or my job, or even going to the gym I'd probably be with Halle Berry-- ok that's taking it a bit far, but you know what I mean. Ambition is a strange thing.

Back to my case scenario...if it was a teacher would I feel better? I'd feel like there was just something internal about the teacher..something I didn't really have. Maybe a love for children. I would only be lying to myself. I'd feel better if she fell in love with some guy with a completely different personality. He shouldn't be type A, he shouldn't be driven by money, he shouldn't have a dislike for children. He can still be financially successful, but his core values, I hope, are much different then mine. Then I could say we're just incompatible and this was suppose to happen. I would be distraught if she found some D-bag just like me. In fact that would be the worse case...although I think it would be hard to find someone like me as I haven't really run into anyone quite like me with similar physical attributes and earning potential. Should how I feel about this breakup really be determined by her next bf? That sounds stupid.

Lastly, I feel like the next guy for V is the one she's settling down with. Women start off very selective but as they get older they broaden their scope. Even if the next guy isn't as good as me, he might be close enough that she'll decide to settle. The only scenario that this would bother me is if I too, paired with a woman who I didn't think was better then V. This is actually the worse case scenario from an objective perspective. Neither of us would have an optimal matching. This is very similar to the prisoner's dilemma. Staying together is probably the best thing we could do considering the number of unknowns in our future. However, If one of us does defect and finds someone better, then naturally that person made the better decision. If we both defect (as we've mutually decided to break up), but we don't find a better mate then we both lose out. From my POV, the best thing for me to do would have been to stick with V but play the field and only leave if I find a girl that I know is much better then V. Of course...this would amount to cheating so I guess that puts a wrench in the prisoner's dilemma comparison.

I'm tired..gonna go take a nap.

nothin

I'm writing this letter but I don't plan on sending it. I just want to get some of my thoughts out of my head. I'm upset. I am pretty angry with the world right now. I feel hopeless and angry because I feel like I can't change my situation. If I could change my situation what would I change it to? I'd like to think of my ideal girl. A girl with the same emotional perception about love, the same tenderness and humanity that you have but smarter. I wish she could 'get' me. I wish she wouldn't have all the twisted emotional baggage you do. I wish she would be happy to participate in all the crazy fucked up sexually deviant shit I'm in to. I wish she had lighter skin. I wish she was shorter then you. Why the physicality? We all get old anyway...you got like 20 years before time catches up with you. Do those things really matter? They matter to me, right now... but maybe not later. I think about the future alot...never now. I'm 26 and my life might be passing me by. But I can't say fuck the future, even though I have no plans for the future. I don't think I care. I'm not interested in marriage or kids, I would love wealth but its not a requirement. My life could be meaningless or it could be meaningful...why am I so ambivalent. How can I be so ambivalent about my entire life? I can care but I don't really care. So what if you don't settle down with a dime-- its your life live it how you want. You can live it how you want but every decision has a consequence. You are a prisoner of those consequences. Why don't you take more risk? I'm bored with risks though, I'm bored with assessing risk, I don't care for the rewards. Would you prefer death? I'm not sure-- possibly. There is risk in that, albeit unavoidable risk, but risk none the less. Why don't you do riskier things if the risk doesn't matter? Because I'm not okay with the consequences of some risks. Then you care about your life. You are not as ambivalent about life as you think. What about life do you feel is worth saving? Being financially safe would be a worthy achievement. Is that all? I can't think of anything else. But you don't consider yourself materialistic. Not at all...I don't want to buy a bunch of stuff...I want my freedom. Can I be free without money? Or is money the warden of my prison? Am I enslaving myself to the money by pursuing it? If this is my only real goal...its almost like a god, I would sacrifice everything else for it if I were guaranteed financial sanctity? You're worried you might find more to your life then just money? Perhaps. What else could there be? I'm not sure. You don't know what you want out of life, but you have a lot of options. You could pack up your shit and go somewhere...but that would be unlike you. Being you has only gotten you so far. You need to be someone else to get you further. Further? You still don't know where you're trying to go. Fuck trying to go somewhere-- you might not know who you are. Who you are is relative to the time and place of existence. So then you should go somewhere else to be some one else? Does that make sense? I feel the same everywhere I go. Is the world a variable and I'm the constant...or am I the variable and the world the constant? Does it matter so long as one is changing? Yes it matters, if I'm the variable I can be in control, if I'm the constant then things happen to me but I remain the same. I don't know if that makes sense...neither do I. You want control? Control is elusive, control can be perceived. Control is fictitious in nature, it may not be reality. You are not in control of your life. How am I not? You let things happen to you, you don't influence things. Your purpose is to influence things, not to control them. Influence. Watch things move. There may be no purpose. Name your fears. Heights, losing arms or legs, never realizing my potential, not fulfilling responsibility, never finding acceptance, never accepting the world. You can do something about most of those. Why don't you?